Fake News Dude

Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Doctors Warn About “Rosca” Cakes

In Uncategorized on January 12, 2016 at 5:19 am

El Paso, Texas- Several doctors gathered today to convey a dire warning to the public about the extreme dangers of the popular Hispanic treat of “Rosca de Reyes” Cakes after the death of 87 El Pasoan’s since the beginning of the new year. A press release noted, “listen motherfuckers, I don’t know what’s so difficult to comprehend about the dangers of BAKING A FUCKING PLASTIC BABY INTO YOUR GODDAMNED CAKE!”. The release continued, “Mr. Reyes might be making a killing with his cakes but that profit comes at the expense of dozens of El Pasoans every year; shame on him”.

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Fabens “Infuenza Teen” Dies

In Uncategorized on January 12, 2016 at 5:13 am

Fabens, Texas- The “Influenza teen” who recently garnered limited media attention in some Fabens blogs due to his deteriorating health and inability to obtain medical attention for his Stage 6 Influenza died recently in Fabens after contracting consumption the day after playing in the snow.

El Pasoans Misunderstand Meaning of National Meat Out Day

In Uncategorized on March 24, 2010 at 5:47 am

El Paso- A group of 6 embarrassed El Pasoans held a press conference today to apologize to the city for misunderstanding the meaning of National Meat Out Day, which was held last Friday.

The El Paso 6 admitted to walking around all day last Friday with their “meat out” of their zippers due to them not being aware that the event was meant to raise awareness of a vegetarian lifestyle.

Pro-Perry Protesters Accidently Deported

In Uncategorized on February 27, 2009 at 3:15 am

El Paso– Running scared about his re-election prospects, Governor Perry held an election rally using El Paso’s public officials as props a press conference at the Chamizal on Monday where he called for “1000 U.S. troops to guard the border and a handjob for all willing Texas males from Texas State Comptroller Susan Combs”.

Two self-loathing Hispanics, see this NPT photograph, who speak with heavy Spanish accents and gave the names of “Rod- Rigues” and “May Sa” attended the event and looked like morons while holding placards imploring the Governor to build the fence, not realizing that the fence was pretty much built already and that it is a federal endeavor and not a state one.

As the event was winding down, the two self hating, self proclaimed “real Americans” were walking towards their vehicle when the Governor spotted them and asked a Border Patrol agent who was patrolling the area “how did those Mexicans make it past security?”. The agent  mistook them for “illegals” and deported them to Mexico.

Family members contacted by EPFN advised that they had heard little from the two after thier deportations but a brief phone call to them revealed that they were having difficulties in Juarez because they couldn’t speak “Mexican”.

El Paso Delegation Heads To Austin; Nobody Notices

In Uncategorized on February 19, 2009 at 4:25 pm

Austin- The El Paso delegation of elected officials recently arrived in Austin to lobby state officials and to push the El Paso agenda, however, our sources in Austin tell us that since the delegation’s arrival up till now, nobody has really noticed.

In fact, according to our sources, the delegation has often been mistaken for a janitorial crew and has been asked to clean up “the place” on at least four different occassions.

Experts advised that the El Paso delegation not getting noticed by Austin officials is probably a good thing for El Paso because the El Paso delegation is full of “really stupid ideas”.

City: Dogs can’t play on sports teams

In Uncategorized on February 6, 2009 at 6:34 am

EL PASO –Dogs and girls and boys will not be allowed to play for the same teams in the city’s competitive sports leagues, and the city will not advocate to change the rules that would allow coed or co-species teams throughout the state.

West-Central city Rep. Susie Byrd on Tuesday backed off from her push to allow dogs and girls to play on competitive boys teams, and the council voted 4-3 against her motion to lobby the governing bodies that rule local leagues in favor of changing their rules on coed and co-species teams.

“We have done a lot of harm to that little puppy who wanted nothing else than to play basketball with her master but was told that — just because she’s a dog — she cannot,” Byrd said. “It is my belief that when you break down a barrier, you can create many opportunities. This could have done a lot for dogs in sports. Have you not seen Air-Bud?”

Representative Ortega said he couldn’t vote in favor of a rule change that could potentially lead to children getting their heads bitten off and their entrails eaten.

Several dog whisperers and female athletes spoke to the council, all of them urging them to keep the city rules intact.

Cartel sets out to fill 11,000 jobs

In Uncategorized on February 2, 2009 at 7:05 am

El Paso–Dozens of job-seekers attended the Sinaloa Cartel employment fair Saturday in Northeast El Paso.

The event was part of A New Year, Another 1,600 Murdered,  a Sinaloa Cartel international campaign to spread the word about career options in the organization, said Rick Lopez, a Sinaloa Cartel spokesman. Open houses were held Saturday at 15 locations throughout the United States, he said.

Lopez said the agency is aiming to hire more than 11,000 agents by the end of 2009. The positions are to replace recently murdered, kidnapped and dismembered employees. Normally, the cartel does most of their hiring in Juarez however, due to the on-going war in the city, new employees are hard to find.

“Considering the way the economy is right now, this is a great opportunity,” Lopez said.

Local Hoodlums Anxious To Bring Down Property Values In Proposed Magoffin Project Area

In Uncategorized on January 29, 2009 at 6:50 am

El Paso– Hoodlums, gang bangers, winos, sex offenders, prostitutes, Ramos and Compean, and a plethora of other criminals, lowlifes, and scumbags who control the Magoffin area in which the proposed Magoffin Project will be built were abuzz with excitement this morning after watching today’s city council meeting via the free wi-fi that local taxpayers provide for the downtown area and learning that Council had approved the building of the upscale Magoffin Apartments Project.

The derelicts explained to our reporters that they were a bit bored in the area since they had already brought down the property values as much as they could be brought down but that the prospect of yuppies paying upwards of $800 a month to live next to “us HUD people”  in the new apartments presented a great opportunity to bring down the property values once again.

Said one scumbag, “shit, I wouldn’t want to live near us, why some stupid yuppy would want to pay $800 to be my neighbor is beyond comprehension…especially when the same apartment can be had for at least 30% less in any other part of town; it really is incomprehensible”.

Various vagrants and lowlifes expressed excitement at the prospect of “really fucking this up” and could hardly wait to “start the raping, robbing, and pillaging”.

Sinaloa Cartel Saves Star on Mountain

In Uncategorized on January 29, 2009 at 6:32 am

Juarez, Mx.– The Sinaloa Cartel’s Office of Press Relations, Juarez Region, released a statement late Wednesday afternoon announcing an agreement with the El Paso Chamber of Commerce that will save the star on El Paso’s Franklin Mountain.

The Sinaloa Cartel intends to take over control of the star and “maintain the star aesthetics, however every now on then, the star will blink on and off in rapid succession to help guide our blacked out aircraft carrying illicit cargo, find their unauthorized landing strips in El Paso”.

Sinaloa cartel officials, who were in El Paso on Wednesday lobbying for the continuation of the drug war, added that they intend to give back to the community and  to buy all the goodwill necessary that will allow them to do as they please with this community as “all it takes apparently, is $50m, US”.

PSB Responds To Growing Criticism

In Uncategorized on January 26, 2009 at 6:47 am

El Paso– The Public Service Board responded late Sunday night to recent and well founded criticisms that they are out of control, that their employees are ridiculously over paid, that there is a lack of oversight, are generally well rounded assholes and that they should cease to exist by releasing the below press release that was signed by CEO Ed Archuletta:

Dear Esteemed El Pasoans:

Recently the Public Service Board has been criticized for a multitude of reasons. Please rest assured that all of these accusations are true.

However, we have nothing to fear since we are almost untouchable so we have this message for our critics and all El Pasoans- FUCK YOU!

Sincerely,

Ed Archuleta, CEO (yea, I laugh too every time I see that)

Eddie Holguin Changes Mind At Walmart Checkout Lane

In Uncategorized on January 25, 2009 at 12:58 am

El Paso– Two of our writers, who moonlight at Walmart due to the unlawfully low wages paid to them by EPFN, told us this morning that a mini-riot was narrowly averted last night at Walmart due to a shopping cart of groceries that City Rep. Eddie Holguin walked away from and left at the checkout counter.

According to our writers, Rep. Holguin approached the only counter open at Walmart, since the policy at said store is to open one counter per 500,000 people at the store at any given time, with a shopping cart full of groceries and other basic necessities. Mr. Holguin was overheard telling his wife, “these groceries and other non-food items that we selected were very wise choices; we will be better off for these wise decisions”; Mrs. Holguin concurred with his assessment.

As Rep. Holguin was about to reach the checkout counter, a man who was described as looking “like that cowardly congressman Reyes” passed by Rep. Holguin’s shopping cart and said to noone in particular, “those groceries are not a wise choice… maybe you should wait”.

Rep. Holguin is then reported to have simply abandoned his grocery cart and walked out of the store empty handed.

Upset customers who were behind Mr. Holguin immediately became angry due to feeling trapped as they were surrounded by an empty shopping cart in the front and dirty diapers and recently sucked-on and discarded chicken bones that are common place at Walmart.

Other members of City Council are rumored to have done the same in the previous couple of days.

Ramos & Compean To Become Constables

In Uncategorized on January 22, 2009 at 6:29 am

El Paso– A spokesman for the Free Ramos & Compean & Ramos Campaign announced today that the soon to be released from their very much deserved prison sentence, Ramos (the first one) and Compean had applied and been hired as constables in former constable Alex Gamoboa’s district #6.

The spokesman said that the pair had responded to a deputy constable  job posting on Cragislist for Prisoners that solicited, “Corrupt former law enforcement officers, capable of shooting unarmed people in the back and lying about it and covering it up”.

The opening of the position came as a result of the former deputy constable being in jail due to rape charges as well as charges stemming from shooting an unarmed person in the back and lying about it.

On a related note, former deputy constable Ramos, who is currently incarcerated for the aforementioned charges, was overheard dictating a letter to his “celly” that was intended for the former President; the letter read in part, “what about me, fool?”.

EPFN: El Paso’s Number 1 Ranked Website!

In Uncategorized on January 20, 2009 at 3:15 am

Which El Paso Internet Web sites are the most-viewed? Take a look: Here are the latest rankings from Compete.com:

Rank    Site                   People

1.       elpasofakenews   8,894,432

2.       elpasotimes.com    199,331

3.        kfoxtv.com            34,375

4.        kdbc.com                10,700

5.        newspapertree.com    10,472

6.        ktsm.com                8,599

7.        kprr.com                  5,071

8.        klaq.com                  3,814

9.        khey.com                  3,043

10.      ksii.com                    2,740

——————-

NOTE: EPFN also owns El Paso Fake Numbers, the producers of the above chart and of Sun Bowl Parade attendee tallies and of all numbers used by city council and Eliot Shapligh.

God: Prayer Requests May Be Backed Up For A While Due To Superbowl

In Uncategorized on January 19, 2009 at 6:25 pm

Heaven– God released a press release Monday morning calling on all believers and non-believers who pray “just in case” to try to get all of their prayer requests in before the end of this week because he will be busy listening to and granting prayers during the superbowl. He will also be busy listening to “thank yous” after touchdowns and therefore, will not have time to grant superfluous prayers such as feeding the destitute and keeping people alive during this period.

Prayer request protocal will resume normal operating procedures on February 2, 2009.

Vigilante Group Promises To Kill One Good Idea Per Week

In Uncategorized on January 19, 2009 at 6:09 pm

El Paso– A new vigilante group has sprung up in El Paso after another vigilante group in Juarez announced its formation early last week.

The Juarez group announced that it would kill one criminal per day and that they had formed in response to the drug war being waged in their city. The El Paso vigilante group said that their goal is to kill a good idea per week.

The El Paso group announced that they were surprised and encouraged at the outpouring of support for their mission of killing good ideas by the backlash created by last week’s call for intelligent debate regarding the legalization of drugs by city council.

The El Paso vigilante group, which calls itself, The El Paso Vigilante Group, is seeking good ideas to kill and is requesting submissions by unintelligent and/or close-minded El Pasoans; submissions should be sent to WeChooseToKeepOurHeadsInTheSand@yahoo.com.

The group also announced that until last week, they would never had dreamed of finding a good idea coming from any of our elected officials but that they would have to start paying attention after “Beto’s dastardly deed”.

Intelligent Discussions Are For Bitches; Why Cook Is Right on Drug War

In Uncategorized on January 12, 2009 at 7:00 am

EPFN Editorial

We applaud Mayor Cook for his courageous stance on Tuesday against the evil scourge of intelligent discussion.

We stand in solidarity with the Bush administration and Mayor Cook as well as the vast majority of the citizens of this city in taking a firm stance against this plague of intelligence.

We stand in solidarity against revision of obviously flawed and continously failing polices.

We stand in solidarity with the Mayor and Rep. Reyes against government that actually works.

We stand in solidarity with Robert Almonte, the President of the Texas Narcotic Officers Association, who pleasantly shocked us when he announced that he too, was against the legalization of drugs. Almonte told us later on that he was also against intelligence and against discussions or “any combination thereof”.  Almonte continued, “the drug war is my/our meal ticket, why would I be against that? I might have to go out and get a real job”.

We don’t need, nor do we want logical ideas in our society. This is why we call on the quickly sinking El Paso Times, to never again allow pieces such as the very logical, Legalized drugs only way to halt cartels, to see the light of day again.  Shame on you too, NPT for your different pieces on the issue!

Neither intelligence nor discussions should be allowed to rear their ugly heads in this community.

Shame on you city council; Bravo Mayor Cook!

Border Plan Leaked

In Uncategorized on January 12, 2009 at 6:45 am

El Paso– EPFN has obtained a secret “Border Plan” which the Department of Homeland Security has devised in case Mexico’s vicous drug war ever spills into El Paso.

The plan, which is titled, “The Plan”, is based on President Bush’s homeland security philosophy and Iraq War strategies and calls for the invasion of Canada if Mexican drug lords attack the U.S. through Mexico.

We will bring you more details as they become available.

From The EPND Archives: January 7, 1860

In Uncategorized on January 8, 2009 at 3:34 am

From El Paso Fake News, January 7, 1860:

Mayor Cook Vetoes Resolution Asking For Debate on Slavery

Township of El Paso– The banjo playing mayor, Joseph Cook on Tuesday vetoed a unanimously supported resolution from City Council asking the federal government to seriously study the abolishment of slavery as a way to respond to the moral plague that is slavery.

“It is not realistic to believe that the U.S. Congress will seriously consider any broad-based debate on the abolishment of slavery,” Cook said. “That position is not consistent with the community standards both locally and nationally.”

Cook’s veto angered several on council, including some of his closest political allies.

Other Related Mayor News

Mayor Joseph Cook told us that he we recently visited a local psychic by the name of McFraud, and was told by said psychic that sometime in the distant future, one of his kin would become mayor of this dusty township.

The same psychic also told the mayor that the future mayor Cook would be defeated in a re- election bid due in large part to a “storm water” fiasco as well as numerous other “disasterous policies” the future mayor will champion.

Mayor Cook added that he believed McFraud’s predictions to be, “completely absurd…what kind of jerk would even think of taxing storm water?”.

Local Psychic Releases 2008 Predictions

In Uncategorized on January 4, 2009 at 5:17 pm

El Paso– In what has become a yearly tradition, local pyschic David McFraud held a press conference on Sunday morning during which he released his complete 2008 predictions as well as his 2009 pre-predictions.

McFraud, who is also a local radio celebrity, opened a sealed mayonaise jar and pulled out his 2008 predictions which he said he wrote on December 31, 2007. McFraud said that the sealed jar had remained unopened since last new year’s eve and in his care through out the year to ensure that nobody tampered with it.

The 2008 predictions, which were written on the back of an Obama/ Biden 08 campaign flyer included the following:

  • The U.S. will enter a recession in 2008
  • Barrack Obama will be elected president; Joe Biden will be Vice President. Hillary Clinton will be Secretary of State.
  • The Dallas Cowboys will be eleiminated from the playoffs after losing to Philadelphia.
  • Gov. Sarah Palin will be the Republican nominee for Vice President, John McCain will be the Presidential nominee.
  • Gas prices will rise early in the year, will fall towards the end of the year.
  • There will be a drug war in Juarez, 1,600 people will be killed.
  • A mediocre website, El Paso Fake News, will come into existence; this site will be the on-line manifestation of human excrement.

A gullible El Pasoan who attended the press conference said, “It’s totally amazing…it’s almost like he sat down a couple of minutes before this press conference and googled “2008 in review”, and then wrote these predictions down! He is amazing! I can’t wait to fork over what precious little money I have so that he can give me a reading…my kids can eat next week”.

McFraud’s entire list of 2009 pre-predictions are listed below; McFraud encouraged his followers to attend next year’s press conference to hear the complete list of 2009 predictions.

2009 Pre-Predictions:

  • Somebody who is associated with the letter “O” will have a hard time in 2009.
  • Somebody who is associated with the letter “Q” will die in 2009.

Stories We May Cover Next Week

In Uncategorized on January 3, 2009 at 8:48 pm

EPFN Secret Lair– Below is a list of possible stories that have been submitted by our inept reporters that we may feature next week:

  • “Extreme Makeover” Visits El Paso… Which Elected Official Will Get Made Over?
  • Juarez Cartels Fire Rockets Into El Paso
  • 8 Spectators Show Up…Record High Attendance at UTEP Lady Basketball Game
  • Indios Soccer Team Kidnapped in Juarez
  • Another Stomping Death At Horizon City McDonalds
  • Tony Romo Attempts Suicide… Bullet Intercepted

El Paso Politicos’ New Year’s Resolutions

In Uncategorized on January 2, 2009 at 5:29 pm

El Paso– EPFN questioned some of El Paso’s elected officials about their new years resolutions, below is a sampling of some of their responses:

  • Eddie Holguin: Eddie told us he plans to hire a full time caretaker for his moustache so that he can focus on spending every single moment that he’s not in a city council meeting walking door to door asking every one of his constituents how they want him to vote.
  • Beto O’Rourke: Buoyed by Joe Muench’s ridiculous assertion that this Republican has a chance of becoming El Paso’s next U.S. Representative, Beto told us that he is thinking of changing his last name to “de la O ‘Rourke” so as to improve his chances of unseating Rep. Reyes.
  • Beautiful Melina Castro: Frightend by the El Paso Times’ end of year discovery that there was a drug war being fought in Juarez, Melina tells us that she is planning on leaving Juarez and moving to El Paso next year. Melina added that anywhere in El Paso would be suitable however, she prefers “anywhere but the North East, God that place is scary…almost as scary as Juarez!”.
  • Steve Ortega: “My bags are packed and I’m ready for some good ol’ carpet bagging…I’m just waiting for Veronica to become judge so that I can move into her district and I can run for her seat. City council pay just isn’t cutting it plus my mom threatened to stop paying my rent if I don’t do more to help out”.
  • Rachel Quinta: “Just to stay out of jail, man”.
  • Susie Byrd: “I’m going to try to get city sports leagues to accept dogs; it’s an injustice that dogs can’t play along side our children. I’ve been reviewing old tapes of Air Bud and my research tells me that dogs are indeed capable of playing at the same level as most kids…as well as biting off their heads”.
  • Ann Morgan Lilly: “I plan to continue to impersonate a corpse on city council”.
  • Eliot Shapleigh: “I’m going to ban a whole lotta shit…. A  LOTTA SHIT!”.
  • Anthony Cobos: “I’m looked at a position in the U.N., possibly Secretary General since the fuckers at the Times, NPT and David K ruined my chances with the Obama administration”.
  • Norma Chavez: “I’m just gonna skip this legislative session all together and ride my motorcycle, cuz you know I ride a motorcycle, to Washington to start working on Obama’s 2012 re-election campaign”.
  • Willie Gandara: “I’m going to give even more of my salary to the poor and then if I have time, possibly cure cancer…welcome to Willy land!”.
  • Anna Perez: “Although it seems impossible from my new position, I’m going to try to get even more El Paso officials arrested for contempt of court like I almost did to Gilbert Sanchez. The local media won’t cover this either so I’m not worried”.
  • Ed Archuletta: “I’m going to continue to eat babies after I yank out their hearts with my bare hands..oh yea, and puppies too”.
  • Mayor Cook: “look for a job”.

Experts To 2008: “You Sucked!”

In Uncategorized on January 2, 2009 at 3:22 pm
You Suck, 2008

2008 To World: "Screw You!"

El Paso– Fake experts questioned by EPFN universally agreed that 2008 really sucked.

With President Bush having set the country on auto-pilot, destination: disaster, in 2004 and the economy in shambles, the country on the brink of full blown socialism and Osama bin Laden still on the loose, two wars still being fought and the Cowboys self destructing as well as the release of Kanye West’s new album, experts agreed that the year 2008 would have still been somewhat salvageable had there not been a scourge of fake news sites birthing themselves towards the end of the year to nail the coffin on what could very well be the worst year in the history of the country.

Locally, the enlightened city council attempted to give away even more tax dollars belonging to the most impoverished municipal tax payers in the country to yet another billionaire- in exchange for a new mall- that is next to another mall.

The same council also made El Paso even more unattractive to business by enacting the biggest tax increase in city history with the storm water tax.  Experts agreed that noone thought it was possible to make El Paso even more business unfriendly but that this council defied everyone’s expectations and managed to do so; said one expert, “they should really be proud of themselves!”.  The same experts added that council should try to challenge themselves even more in 2009 and aim for a “sunshine” tax and even a “dust tax”.

The El Paso Times urged voters to dump Obama due to his socialism while urging council to redistribute impoverished El Pasoan’s wealth to billionaires Sanders and Foster. Roy Ortega told the snarky El Paso Fake News, “I Hate You!” but when both of our fans threatened to cancel their subscriptions (thanks Mom!), recanted and said, “Sike, just kidding“.

City Council kept on increasing the cost of living by trying to enact an unneeded ban on plastic bags that could possibly help the wildlife in the Bay of El Paso and by keeping in effect the proven to be worthless pet microchip ordinance- which may have actually caused more animal deaths by keeping pets away from vets out of fear of being fined for not having a chip.

In an attempt to “out Juarez” itself, Juarez  proved able to astound the most hardened cynics by turning into Iraq with a full blown drug war, decapitations, mass murders, burned out businesses and camels.

Socorro ISD voters booted out a superintendent that raised tax scores because “she was rude” while a recently elected board member resigned a day after being sworn in because he “was busy”. The board appointed a 10 year old to replace him arguing that she “was just as intelligent, if not more so”.

UTEP football continued to suck and the Diablos and Rhinos continued to be invisible to most of our populace leading many to wonder, “just how the hell do they stay in existence?” while others believe that they exist only on their websites. For reasons yet unknown to most of humanity, another Arena Football team, The Generals, came into existence and think they can survive… in El Paso no less!

County employees worked a total of 15 days this year while our favorite corrupt politician, County Judge Cobos, disappointed us yet again when he failed to be nominated to a cabinet position in the Obama administration. City council banned rude behavior towards the disabled on city busses while our State Senator, Elliot Shapleigh, introduced a bill that would ban trans-fats and “all manners of dangerous activities” that included playing video games, football, fatty foods, unprotected sex, mountain biking and a plethora of others.

Experts agreed that while seemingly impossible, 2009 could prove to suck even more ass than 2008 with the current batch of elected officials- if they keep on being themselves.

El Paso Beauty Queen Arrested

In Uncategorized on December 29, 2008 at 5:34 am

Yarbrough Walmart Parking Lot– El Paso beauty queen, Laura Zunga, was

Tasty In So Many Ways

mmm, Tasty!

arrested on Saturday night by Walmart Police after a sting operation targeting illegal tamale parking lot sales.

A Walmart Police spokesperson told EPFN that the arrest was the result of a month long investigation in which undercover Walmart Police made purchases of illegal tamales from their parking lots, often hiding themselves behind piles of discarded diapers and shopping carts that were not in thier proper place.

EPFN & EPT Use Same Fake Experts

In Uncategorized on December 26, 2008 at 5:34 pm

El Paso– The quickly sinking El Paso Fake News took another step closer to legitimacy last week when the quickly sinking El Paso Times inadvertently disclosed their use of fake experts in this 12/20/08 Letter to the Editor.

The El Paso Fake News have long made use of “fake experts” in their short existence which has led many critics to question the legitamcy of said fake newspaper.

Experts agree that now with the disclosure that the El Paso Times also use the same fake experts, both news organizations are now equally credible.

Experts annoy

Brandi Grissom’s Tuesday piece states in part, “Experts seem to agree that during Perry’s tenure, more power than ever has been concentrated in the constitutionally weak governor’s office.”

OK, maybe. I know I’m to be reassured, after all, that experts agree.

Who are these experts? What qualifications make them experts? Specifically, what subject matter are they experts in?Finally, what are their names? Why be shy, why not be be proud of the stated expertise.

The annoying “expert” ploy is used too often by “journalists” to avoid any challenge to the content of the piece.

Chris **** / Horizon City

Related links:

El Paso City Council/ Sun Metro Fake Numbers

Sun Bowl Parade Fake Numbers

Satan to El Paso: “Oh no I d-i-d-n’-t!”

In Uncategorized on December 23, 2008 at 12:26 pm

HELL– On Monday evening, Satan released a statement addressed to all El Pasoans denying the claims of an individual that the reason that individual threw his baby out the window was because Satan told him to do so.

The statement read in part, “when I first heard the news, I was like, “Ah hell no! I know that fool didn’t just say that I told him to do that shit!”.  Satan added that while he was evil, he was not sick and that throwing a baby out of a moving car is just “plain old mother fucking sick”.

Satan did explain that at the time of occurrence, he was on his weekly confrence call with his friend Senator Shapleigh and that the lines might have gotten crossed or that “sometimes that satellite radio picks up some of my conversations” and therefore the baby thrower may have thought Satan was talking to him but “that still doesn’t give him a right to be out there besmirching my [Belzebub’s] name”.

Watergate’s Deep Throat Dies; El Paso’s Deep Throat Doing Fine

In Uncategorized on December 20, 2008 at 7:01 pm

News Brief

El Paso– News coverage of the recent death of Mark Felt, Watergate’s Deep Throat, has caused confusion amongst many El Pasoans, leading them to believe that El Paso’s very own deep throat was the one who had passed away, presumably from an STD.

A press release announced that “Lexy” who also goes by the name, “El Paso Deep Throat” and works evenings on Dyer and weekends downtown, is still very much alive and doing brisk business, especially Tuesdays after city council meetings.

The press release further explained that the confusion had caused a drop in business and in an attempt to counteract this confusion, El Paso Deep Throat is offering bj(s) for the discounted rate of $10 a head.

New Scourge Befalls City; Fake/Funny News Sites Proliferate At Dangerous Pace

In Uncategorized on December 20, 2008 at 12:00 am

El Paso– Yet another Fake/Funny News Website covering El Paso came into existence today as announced by Newspaper Tree.

The El Paso Sun became the fifth Fake/Funny News site to befall this city recently, adding to the El Paso Fake News , El Paso’s Actually Funny Fake News, The Avocadoan and the El Paso Times.

Experts told The El Paso Fake News that an explanation for the proliferation of these types of websites could lay in the ease of finding humorous material in this city due to the current make up of city council, commissioners court and the rest of the city and county’s elected officials whose meetings often resemble circuses and whose members are often indistinguishable from clowns.

Experts added that the owners of these sites are really opportunists as they sense the impending death of the El Paso Times as was signaled by Roy Ortega’s recent vicious attack on the El Paso Fake News (see Roy Ortega to Snarky EPFN: “I Hate You!”).

While The Avocadoan was the first of these types of news organizations, they had been inactive recently as they were busy “taking over”. Whatsmore, while they were busy taking over, they were viciously blindsided by The El Paso Times who whipped them in a rigged local poll.

Sensing an opportunity and a chance to kick someone while they’re down, The El Paso Fake News came into existence earlier this month and experienced unprecedented success for two weeks as the preeminent Fake/Funny news organization in the city, second only to the El Paso Times.

The glory days came to an abrupt end as The El Paso Actually Funny Fake News birthed themselves and announced to the world that The El Paso Fake News were not funny. Already down, The El Paso Times delivered an almost fatal stab in the back that same afternoon when Roy Ortega announced to the world that he hated The El Paso Fake News.

News analysts and experts are monitoring this precarious situation and recently confirmed rumors that the quickly sinking El Paso Fake News is on the verge of collapse and may ask for a bailout soon.

YISD Names New Superindendent; Plans To Begin New Job Search Immediately

In Uncategorized on December 18, 2008 at 8:36 pm

EL PASO — After deliberating for more than four hours Wednesday, trustees of the Ysleta Independent School District chose Michael Zolkoski, a former leader of Tulsa Public Schools, to become the next superintendent of the 44,000-student district.

Officials will meet Jan. 15 to finalize his contract which is rumored to include a yearly salary of nearly $3 million and he will begin work anytime after that.

Immediately after starting work, Zolkoski told us that he plans to begin his next job search as is customary in El Paso area school districts. “By my second day on the job, I should have my resume updated and perhaps by the end of the first week, I will be sending them out”.

Zolkoski added that he wanted “to send a big shout out to all the big school districts in other parts of Texas” and that he “really looks forward to going down there soon”.

New Addition To “Free Ramos & Compean” Campaign

In Uncategorized on December 18, 2008 at 8:02 am

El Paso– Supporters of the “Free Ramos and Compean” Campaign announced

Cute Stars

Cute Stars

yesterday that they were adding Ex Constable Mario Ramos who was indicted yesterday for shooting an unarmed man in the back during a traffic stop after seeing “a shiney object” and was also arrested last month for raping a female after seeing “a shiny object” near her pants to the “Free Ramos and Compean” Campaign.

The campaign will now be named, “Free Ramos, Ramos and Compean”. Supporters updated their clemency petition and sent the updated version to President Bush for consideration.

Racist and right-wing groups and websites, which are usually the same thing and make up the bulk of supporters for the original Ramos and Compean, were abuzz  yesterday with excitement due to the announcement.

Colorado Rep. Tom Tancredo released a statement announcing that a man “with such cute stars on his neck and pretty eyebrows could not possibly be responsible for the crimes those Mexicans in El Paso are accussing him of… if his victims had not had shiney objects this would not have happened”.

Commissioners Court Solves El Paso Poverty Conundrum

In Uncategorized on December 18, 2008 at 7:45 am

El Paso– Starting in February, Lower Valley residents will have a convenient way to get marriage licenses, pay fines and get veterans benefits all at one location.The El Paso County Ysleta Annex will be home to several county offices as part of an ongoing county effort to take services into the public.

“We’re taking the county to the people,” Commissioner Teran said. “For too long, people residing in the valley and outlying areas have had to travel to Downtown or to the lower valley Zaragoza County office to be treated rudely by county employees who rarely work cuz we give them so many days off; now they can do so by cutting their commute in half”.

The $4.3 million Ysleta Annex is the second such facility constructed by the county. An annex is already operating in the Northeast and there are plans to construct another in the northwest part of the county.

Commissioners explained that they were having trouble finding ways to throw away and waste the millions of tax dollars they collect each year until they came up with the idea of “taking the county to the people”.

Commissioners added that next year they plan to shut the centers down and focus on hiring thousands of “taking the county to the people- people” who will cruise the streets until they are flagged down by citizens who need County services so that “this way we can waste even more money”.

Court members further advised that while endeavors such as this are completely unnecessary and viewed as a disgraceful waste of tax payers’ money by much of humanity and border on being criminal, this could actually be a way for El Paso County to no longer be one of the poorest county in the country because “we are spending money to take the county to the people”.

Roy Ortega to Snarky EPFN: “I Hate You!”

In Uncategorized on December 17, 2008 at 12:01 am

BREAKING NEWS ALERT!

El Paso– For the second time in the same afternoon, the quickly sinking El Paso Fake News took a viscious blow from another El Paso media outlet when Roy Ortega of the quickly sinking El Paso Times wrote on his blog, “I also hate the fact that the Internet has given rise to pseudo journalism, fake news and anonymous blogging.”

Ortega continued, “One of the perks I enjoy in my job is writing this Media Buzz blog where I get to utilize my extensive background in TV news…”  When asked to comment, EPFN owner said, “one of the perks I enjoy in my job is writing for El Paso Fake News where I get to utilize my extensive background in being a fraud and a fake…”

Earlier in the afternoon, EPFN discovered that a widely known corporate secret, that El Paso Fake News was not funny, had been leaked and splashed on the pages of the upstart, El Paso’s Actually Funny Fake News.

EPFN staff is still reeling from this double whammy that we were struck with this afternoon. We have scheduled a tenative day off from the news tomorrow so that we can try to regroup. Stay tuned for more information.

EPAFFN to EPFN: “You’re Not Funny!”

In Uncategorized on December 16, 2008 at 8:53 pm

BREAKING NEWS ALERT!

El Paso– El Paso’s Actually Funny Fake News announced today that El Paso Fake News is not funny.

El Paso Fake News is investigating the obvious leak of information from our corporate offices. So far,  Veronica Escobar has advised us that she was not responsible for this leak.

Local Reporter Throws Shoe At Mayor Cook

In Uncategorized on December 16, 2008 at 5:13 am

El Paso– During a news conference held by Mayor Cook on Monday morning at a local orphanage, described by the exact same press release put out 17 times by the 17 PIO(s) of the City of El Paso as “a photo op, really, for the mayor who is running scared about his re-election due to the storm water fiasco and a plethora of other disasterous issues he supported”, a reporter from soon-to-be-sold, possibly-for-scrap-metal- KDBC threw a size 4 Payless brand pump at Mayor John Cook’s head as he faced reporters. It is believed that the pump may have had after-market Bedazzler (c) rhinestones and miscellaneous jewels. The mayor, used to ducking numerous questions and issues, managed to duck the shoe as well and remained unscathed.

The reporter, who asked to remain annonymous, said, “we’re all gonna be out of job soon, (start air quotes) suposebly [sic] (end air quotes), so I had to make a name for myself so that I can stand out in the job market”.

Cobos To JOP: “You’re Not Going Anywhere!”

In Uncategorized on December 15, 2008 at 12:26 am

El Paso– In another stunning move in the on-going drama involving El Paso County Judge Anthony Cobos, his Chief of Staff Jaime O. Perez, the F.B.I and sasquatch, Judge Cobos on Friday announced that he refused to accept Perez’s resignation which Perez had twittered in on Wednesday afternoon.

Judge Cobos remained tight lipped about the situation, however, EPFN has obtained screen shots of an on-going discussion between the Judge and JOP on thier Myspace pages. EPFN’s news analysts deduced from the on-going conversation that the two were not on speaking terms and that they were only communicating via their respective MySpace pages.

Below is a partial transcript:

AC: Just where the fuck do you think you’re going?

JOP: I’m sick of you and the FBI and Veronica Escobar and Sasquatch and David K! I’m outta here. I’m gonna run against Steve Ortega, he’s almost as unpopular as you and the El Paso Times.

AC: You’re not going anywhere fucker! You’re staying by my side until the end, just like the band in Titanic. What, do you think that you get paid over $100,000 just to photoshop Melina’s head onto other mamacitas’ body’s and to write stupid articles for El Paso Fake News?

JOP: But our plans got all messed up! No more Bahamas, no more Secretary of State in the Obama administration, no more nothing!

AC: Don’t make me tie you to your office. I still got the chains that we used on Sasquatch.

EPFN’s news analysts noted that Mr. Perez’s MySpace “Mood” had recently been changed from “anxious” to “scared shitless”. The emoticon on his page is now  a “frowning face” with “scared looking eyes”.  Judge Cobo’s MySpace page shows that his favorite band is the Jonas Brothers and his favorite movies are Nixon and Harry and the Hendersons.

Strange Being Seen At Courthouse

In Uncategorized on December 14, 2008 at 9:17 pm

EPFN has obtained the following pictures of an odd looking being that were taken at the El Paso County Courthouse over the weekend by FBI agents who when asked what they were doing at the courthouse replied, “jus chillin”.

El Paso Fake News analysts are still trying to determine what these pictures could possibly mean:

New County Judge?

New County Judge?

Preparing For Big Announcement?

Preparing For Big Announcement?

Breaking News: Jaime Perez, “I’m Outta Here!”

In Uncategorized on December 11, 2008 at 8:43 am

BREAKING NEWS ALERT

El Paso– In a stunning move that was expected within the next couple of weeks, Jaime Perez, the Chief of Staff to the embattled El Paso County Judge, Anthony Cobos, tendered his resignation yesterday evening.

Sources within the County Court confirmed that Jaime Perez twittered in his resignation at about 6:00pm Wednesday evening. She also told us that in his resignation message, Perez said, “this shit is starting to sully even my name!” and “at least we got to mess with the El Paso Times, man they really fell for that fake list of possible successors that I had actually written for El Paso Fake News…are they fucking dumb or what?”

Perez is also reported to have twittered, “El Paso won’t have us to kick around anymore…Lets see how El Paso likes having a fucking big foot for a county judge”.

Pundits are still trying to decipher what Perez meant by “big foot”.

Other sources at the El Paso Airport tell us that on Wednesday morning, while the media were busy falling over themselves trying to determine which of Cobos’ enemies Cobos would appoint as his successor, two men resembling Cobos and Perez were seen at the airport renting a private jet and discussing a one way trip to the Bahamas.

The two were seen paying for a chartered flight with cold cash, that is the cash they used actually had frost on it. The condition was explained away by one of the men as being a result of the blizzard that struck the city the day before. The source also advised us that one of the men was overheard saying, “lets go have a press confrence to play with them a bit more before the big news”.

EPFN Obtains Cobos Legal Opinion & Clues About Possible Successor

In Uncategorized on December 11, 2008 at 12:31 am

El Paso– El Paso Fake News (Nasdaq= epfn) has obtained a secret legal opinion that was sought by the soon to be unemployed El Paso County Judge.

In the secret opinion, which was obtained from the El Paso County website, Judge Cobos asked the County Attorney’s Office if he [the judge] could be “replaced by a non-human entity including but not limited to mammals, reptiles or alien life forms”.

The County Attorney replied that state law stipulates that “succession of the County Judge position is only allowed for humans and a small amount of certain non-human mammals”.

The leaking of this information fueled speculation about the possibility of 3  more elected officials in El Paso County becoming Cobos’ successor. The three had previously been discounted by the local media and pundits due to the media’s unfounded belief that the County Judge could only be succeeded by a human life form.

EPFN has also discovered that many of the County’s computers have been accessed in the last 24 hours to research “sasquatch” and “sasquatch, and Horizon City” and “can Sasquatch read” and “phone number for sasquatch” as well as “countries with no extradition treaty with the U.S.” and “how to unfreeze bundles of cash” and “Melina Castro, naked”.

News Briefs

In Uncategorized on December 10, 2008 at 5:59 am

Corrupt El Paso Politicians See Silver Lining in Illinois Scandal

El Paso– A group of corrupt El Paso politicians sent out a press release declaring, “we may be as corrupt as the Illinois governor but at least our hair isn’t as fucked up as his”.  In the press release, the corrupt local officials also lamented not asking for more money and generally not knowing how to be “classy while being corrupt like that governor guy”.

Scandal Reveals, Most El Pasoans Pronounce “S” In Illinois

A fake study conducted by EPFN’s parent company, El Paso Fake Numbers, conducted after news of the Illinois Govenor Scandal broke revealed that 78% of El Pasoans pronounce the “s” in Illinois.

Light Snow Sprinkles Parts of City; City In Chaos

In Uncategorized on December 9, 2008 at 8:48 pm

El Paso– A very slight to virtually non-existent dusting of snow left the Sun City in chaos yesterday as thousands of El Paso drivers immediately commenced to skid and crash thier vehicles upon hearing the word snow, even without actually being anywhere around it.

Scared masses of El Pasoans were seen at local Wal-Marts and Targets hoarding canned foods and other survival essentials as they prepared to wheather Blizzard 2008; hardly anybody went to K-mart because it sucks.

Local government came to a standstill as City employees went home upon hearing that it was snowing atop the Franklin Mountains as a “snow day” was called while County employees were already on a regularly scheduled day off.

Stay with EPFN for more over coverage of Blizzard 2008!

High Winds Nearly Topple City Hall

In Uncategorized on December 9, 2008 at 12:44 pm

El Paso– High winds struck the city with a vengance on Monday, tearing roofs and facades off of numerous crappy buildings around town.

City engineers told EPFN that the high winds nearly toppled city hall but that city hall was saved only by the enormous counter-weight of some city council persons egos coupled with the stupidity of thier ideas. Said a city engineer, “thier egos and stupid ideas created a force field of sorts around the building, you could see the high winds smash against the invisible force field that surrounded the building and instead strike the Insights building. Lucikly, nobody ever goes to the Insights museum.”

Tony Sanches, a part time pizza delivery driver and part time dance instructor at El Paso Community College, Fabens Campus, and local expert on economics, foreign policy and drug and cartel violence, added, “even if the buiding had collapsed, not that many people would have been hurt thanks in large part to city employees who take a 3 hour lunch and are rarely in the building itself.”

Sanches explained that had city hall actually toppled over, there would be no city council activity for a year and that would result in lower taxes, more freedom, an explosion of business and tourists and an unbelievable increase in overall happiness, a condition described by an annonymous city council person as, “a disaster”.

65,000 Welcome Christmas Lights…Easily Could Have Been 650,000

In Uncategorized on December 8, 2008 at 12:10 pm

El Paso–A measly 65,000 people turned out to the 73rd Annual Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony and Holiday Light Parade on Saturday Night at the Paul Foster park.

Paradegoers, like the 8,000 light bulbs adorning the live Afghan pine at Paul Foster Plaza, were all aglow Saturday night as Mayor John Cook, with the help of 8-year-old Krystal Morales, flipped the switch to turn Christmas on Downtown this year.

Many El Pasoans were disappointed that only 65,000 people “attended” this event and the amount of participants didn’t come close to the 350,000 that  usually “attend” the Thanksgiving Parade.

Ima Froud, owner of El Paso Fake News and El Paso Fake Numbers, the company that is staffed entirely by teachers who have failed their certification tests and provides the attendance numbers for the Thanksgiving Parade and provides projections for city council, said, “if city council had hired us, we could have very easily turned the 65,000 people in attendance into 650,000 by adding a zero. Its not like anybody questions these ridiculous numbers… we make shit like this up all the time. Maybe next year city council will hire us”.

NOTE: In the spirit of full disclosure, Ima Froud, who is the millionaire owner of El Paso Fake News and El Paso Fake Numbers, which was mentioned in the above story, is also the owner of El Paso Fake Personalities and El Paso Stupid Ideas, both companies do a lot of  business with El Paso City Council and County Commissioners Court.

Racist Visits El Paso, Makes Ridiculous Claims

In Uncategorized on December 5, 2008 at 12:31 pm

EL PASO — Sometimes controversial and outspoken but always racist,  former Los Angeles Police Chief Daryl Gates said Thursday that casual drug users in the U.S. are at the root of the violence in Juárez and should be shot. Gates also said that gays, blacks, non-christians and “many of you brown brothers out in the audience” should be shot as well.

Gates was in El Paso to speak at a ceremony for graduating peace officers.

Gates also said, “I don’t think the people in the United States are grasping what a serious problem it is. Mexico has lost more people in a very short period of time than those lost in Iraq or Afghanistan,” he said.”I know to many of you Mexicans that the number of 1,400, which is the amount of those killed in Juarez so far this year may seem like a lower number than 600,000, the number killed in Iraq since the start of the war 2004, but I checked with the people who count crowds at the Sun Bowl Parade and with the teachers in El Paso who haven’t passed their certification tests and they assured me that indeed 1,400 is a bigger number than 600,000 so fuck you”.

Gates continued, “I know that many of you “smart” people prove with your logic and facts that it is prohibition that is actually responsible for all of the problems associated with drugs but I have one thing to say to you- fuck you too”.

“I think, you know, I have such a low opinion of the black and brown people in the United States as well as the fags and also those who continue to use drugs. They are really responsible for getting Barack Hussein YoMama  Bin- Laden elected President and for what’s happening in Mexico — they really are. We go along every day. We don’t take that responsibility that we ought to assume. Somebody asked me one time about casual drug users, blacks, mexicans and gays, I said they ought to take them out and shoot them.”

The shocked audience and newly graduated officers slowly trickled out of the auditorium with stunned looks and shaking their heads during the speech and it is unknown at what time Gates finished speaking as the auditorium had emptied out five minutes into Gate’s speech.

God Hates Juarez, Says Vatican

In Uncategorized on December 5, 2008 at 10:27 am

Vatican City– EPFN sent reporters from our crack investigative unit to Vatican City to ask religious experts to explain the unlikely arrival of camels recently as well as the violence and past appearance of a giraffe named Modesto and a lion named Fleck in the Juarez.

Vatican officials, who spoke on the condition of annonymity, said “we can’t be sure but we think its because God hates Juarez. How would you like it if everyone in a city had your mothers njuangabrielame or picture tatooed on thier bodies, painted on their walls, pictures in thier homes, on thier belt buckles, shirts…even baseball caps for crying outloud!” The official added that Gods vengance upon the city could possibly, “be due to Juan Gabriel…not so much his lifestyle preference but his overall exisitence… that fucker is an abomination”.

The official hypothesized that the events in Juarez could signal the end of times or even that “Juarez could very well be turning into Iraq. I don’t know how or why but its obvious. First there were giraffes found in the city and then lions and now camels. If you couple that with the military around the city and the coffee brown hue of the inhabitants with the crumbling 3rd world infrastructure and building facades and of course the beheadings, torture, mass murders and shootouts in the open”.

The official closed with “El Pasoans and Juarenses would be well served to turn thier city into a “green zone” of sorts, much like the Americans have in Iraq”…”oh yea and to pray, pray like you’ve never prayed before”.

Juarez Turning Into Iraq, Experts Say

In Uncategorized on December 5, 2008 at 10:03 am
camels

Juarez Magic Camels

El Paso– The sudden and magical appearance of two camels in the middle of Juarez yesterday added to theory that Juarez is indeed turning into Iraq in the minds of many experts.

Motorists called police after seeing two camels walking through residential areas and sniffing at the dead bodies strewn about, presumably looking for gum or small snacks that the dead still had in their pockets. Police broke away from helping their cartel associates and helped lasso the two camels and sold them to the proprietor of a taco stand before the end of their shift.

Oddly enough, two hours after the magical appearance of the camels, passers by called police once again after noticing an “oddly dressed man walking about residential areas, sniffing at dead bodies”. Police once again broke from their normal cartel assigned duties and helped lasso the oddly dressed man. The man, who was later identified as Prescott Al-Sadr, the son of the firebrand cleric Muqtada Al-Sadr whose homebase is in Sadr City in Iraq and whose militia has often fought against Amerian forces.

After being pressed by officals, Prescott Al-Sadr admitted to being in Juarez because he, “had heard that it was very much like Iraq…it looks like Sadr City, there are freaking lions, giraffes and now camels roaming the streets and with the be-headings and mass murders and whatnot,I thought it would be a very welcoming place for our fighters who could stir up trouble for the evil satan, the United States, without feeling homesick. However, after being in the city for only a day, I think this place really sucks. Its too dangerous. I would not subject my men to such dangerous and squalid conditions. Besides, what kind of sick bastard would be selling camel tacos? We are better off in Iraq”.

Tony Sanches, a part time pizza delivery driver and part time dance instructor at El Paso Community College, Fabens Campus, and local expert on economics, foreign policy and drug and cartel violence, told us that Juarez is “probably turning into Iraq. I don’t know how or why but its obvious. First there were giraffes found in the city and then lions and now camels. If you couple that with the coffee brown hue of the inhabitants with the crumbling 3rd world infrastructure and building facades and of course the beheadings, torture, mass murders and shootouts in the open”.  Sanches added that, “El Pasoans would be well served to turn thier city into a “green zone” of sorts, much like the Americans have in Iraq”.

Related:  http://www.diario.com.mx/nota.php?notaid=b7d3f8a63ecd45951b0ccd84daccf694

http://www.elpasotimes.com/news/ci_11133788

More Oregon State Players Commit Suicide To Avoid Sun Bowl

In Uncategorized on December 4, 2008 at 3:25 am

largebeaverphoto

Portland– Three more Oregon State football players committed suicide on Tuesday evening in a last ditch attempt to avoid having to play in the Sun Bowl adding to the four who had done so already after learning of ESPN’s projections that have Oregon State playing Pittsburgh in the Sun Bowl on December 31st.

Two other players left the team immediately upon hearing the original ESPN report on Saturday and joined the Marines and asked to be sent to “Iraq or Afganistan… anywhere but El Paso”.

Oregon State officials have put the entire team on a suicide watch and have barred military recruiters from talking to players until after the new year.

Oregon State officials are also petitioning the NCAA to be forced to forfeit at least 3 of their victories for various violations which they declined to name in order to be ineligible for the Sun Bowl.

NCAA officials advised that they were reviewing the request and had no further comment.

Political World Rocked Again; Cobos Not Appointed Commerce Secretary

In Uncategorized on December 4, 2008 at 3:07 am

Washington DC– For the second time in as many days, the political world has been rocked to its judge1foundations by President Elect Barack Obama’s non- nomination of El Paso County Judge Anthony Cobos for a cabinet post in his administration.

The El Paso Times as well as most of the main stream media and punditry had widely expected the President Elect to nominate the hugely unpopular and balding El Paso County Judge who lacks a college degree and is on the verge of a federal indictment for corruption, to be named to a cabinet post in the Obama administration; presumably Secretary of State.

However, in a stunning move, Barack Obama announced yesterday the nomination of New York Senator Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State. It was then expected by many, especially by the El Paso Times editorial staff that at this point that Cobos would be named Secretary of Homeland Security. Said Joe Muench, “it couldn’t be anybody else but Cobos…who the hell could be as qualified?”.  EPFN tried to question other members of the Times’ editorial staff but they were busy performing their regularly scheduled janitorial tasks.

Obama then defied the world’s expectations and instead named the not-as- qualified-as-Cobos Arizona governor, Janet Napolotano. The political world buzzed again througout the night as it became widely expected that Cobos would be given the consolation nomination of Commerce Secretary, however, once again the President Elect chose the less qualified New Mexico Governor Richardson.

Cobos’ chances seem to be dimming although many still believe that the other cabinet post usually reserved for Hispanics, Treasury Secretary, could be Cobos’ for the asking.

The world awaits.

Cobos Not Selected Secretary of State

In Uncategorized on December 3, 2008 at 4:01 am

Washington– In a shocking turn of events, President-Elect Obama selected New York Senator Hilary judgeClinton as his Secretary of State instead of El Paso County Judge Anthony Cobos yesterday.

For reasons still unknown to most of humanity, the El Paso Times as well as us here at EPFN News thought that Judge Cobos, who has no college degree and is almost universally despised and is on the brink of indictment by the FBI, really believed that Cobos was on the verge of being named as Obama’s Secretary of State.

After Clinton’s unexpected and unlikely nomination, rumors quickly swirled, like a swirly piece of dog crap, that Cobos might be the next Homeland Security Secretary. However, the hopes of thousands of El Pasoans, the 315,000 of them that attended the Thanksgiving Day Parade actually,  were quickly dashed as President Elect Obama soon announced Arizona Governor Napalotano as Homeland Security Secretary.

When asked to comment, the Obama transition replied in an offical statement with, “What the fuck is wrong with you guys? Seriously, what the fuck are you thinking?”.

Sun Bowl Parade Mystery Solved

In Uncategorized on December 2, 2008 at 5:23 am

El Paso– EPFN’s investigative unit has finally solved one of El Paso’s biggest mysteries- how the borderline mediocre Sunbowl Parade could attract over 320,000 people, half of the city’s population, year after year onto the sidelines of a 2.7 mile stretch of road. Furthermore, and just as mysterious is how the vast majority of these people were never picked up by the cameras.

Years of investigation have revealed that the suspicions of intelligent El Pasoan’s were true and that the numbers were utter bullshit afterall.

EPFN’s investigatve unit, also known as The EPFN Investigative Unit, discovered that the official count of the crowd has been conducted every year by a special team of El Paso teachers who have yet to pass their certification exams. Apparently, the teachers’ supervisors liked this “busy work” as it got these teachers off of their hands for a few weeks.

When asked how in the hell it was that they came up with these ridiculously outrageous attendance figures year after year, the teachers responded that the real figure was between 3,100 and 31,000 but they added more zeros because, “they looked perty”.

BAKE Board of Directors Killed; Michael Ackes Resumes Top Post

In Uncategorized on December 2, 2008 at 5:11 am

El Paso — In a stunning development in the ongoing irrelevant saga between the founding member of BAKE (Baking and Kicking Enchiladas) and the board of directors, all four members of the BAKE Board of Directors were shot to death in a gangland style hit at a popular gordita restaurant, Pushing Gorditas, in Juarez on Sunday night.

Juarez Police said that it was unknown what the four were doing at this restaurant or who invited them and that there are no suspects.

Also, but unrelated to the above events, Michale Ackes, the founder and former head of BAKE, announced on Saturday night that he would be resuming a leadership position in his former group, “soon, really freaking soon”.

Press Release- From BAKE Board of Directors

In Uncategorized on December 2, 2008 at 5:04 am

November 27, 2008

El Paso– We the Board of Directors of BAKE (Baking And Kicking Enchiladas) would like to announce that we immediately accepted the resignation of Michael Ackes when it was rendered.

We trust that you all reputable media outlets will use their valuable space to publish this insignificant fact.

Related link

El Paso Remembers 11/23/71

In Uncategorized on November 24, 2008 at 11:38 am

chinaflag

El Paso– David Sanchez looks down at his sneakers and the Made in China label and recalls what he was doing on November 23, 1971, the day China was seated in the U.N. Security Council. “It was a glorious day. I was shopping downtown when I saw a crowd gathered by a t.v. in front of a store and the news was being broadcast.”

Many El Pasoans tell us that they will spend the day celebrating this great day in history at Walmart and other retailers purchasing much needed household goods, many of which were undoubtedly made in China.

Not Saying Bless You Will Result In Fine

In Uncategorized on November 23, 2008 at 3:14 pm

EL PASO –Practicing bad manners by refusing to say “bless you” when someone near you sneezes could get you in trouble, and not just with Mom.Starting this week, the police could become involved, too.

The City Council on Tuesday voted 7-0 to adopt a new ordinance that makes it a Class C misdemeanor for an able-bodied person with the ability to speak, to neglect to say “bless you” when someone near them sneezes.

Violators of the new ordinance could be fined up to $500.

“I know this sounds silly, but there are a lot of inconsiderate people around us every day,” said Lori Bug, a Sun Metro passenger who uses a wheelchair. “Many times, I have seen a constable ask someone to say bless you but that person won’t do it.”City officials said that they didn’t have specific figures on the numbers of complaints they received about this problem, but that based on customer service calls, they could tell this was a “significant problem.”

Under the new ordinance, persons will be required to ask violators to say “bless you” if someone sneezes.  If that person refuses to say “bless you”, the person is instructed to call the police. Police have been instructed to make such calls a top priority.

“I just can’t believe that this is such a big problem. … I can’t believe here are people who wouldn’t say bless you. Just the other day, I saw an old man say “salud” but not “bless you” said Robert Cat, a UTEP student who rides the bus to school every day. “This is just an issue of being brought up right by your mom.”Members of the City Council were equally incredulous.

“If you don’t know to say “bless you” or to have tax payers subsidize billionaires, then you’re an idiot,” said South-West city Rep. Beto O’Rourke.

Signs announcing the new ordinance are expected to start going up city-wide this week, said officials.

Socorro Middle School Student To Become New Superintendent

In Uncategorized on November 23, 2008 at 3:13 pm

EL PASO — Members of the school board of the Socorro Independent School District on Tuesday briefly introduced its newly appointed 12-year-old district superintendent  who was chosen unanimously over several current superintendents from different cities, several local assistant superintendents, former board presidents, current and retired educators and past candidates for the position.After interviewing 13 candidates for the position left vacant by former superintendent Atkins who was run out of town for instituting the concept of accountability and expecting results, trustees on Monday night appointed Timmy Soya, a 6th grade student at Socorro Middle School, as the new district Superintendent.

Trustee Greg Patton said he was impressed with the poise and maturity shown by Soya during the interview process.Patton likened Soya to Hannah Montana, before she became famous, adding that he offers a new perspective for the board.

“He is really quite amazing for a young person of 12,” Patton said. “Generally speaking, I think people may think, ‘What are you smoking, picking an 12-year-old punk kid?’ but again she is like no other 12-year-old that I have ever met before.”

As the new superintendent, Soya will have to contend with a community that was divided during the tenure of former Superintendent Sylvia Q. Atkinson, must help select a new board and must deal with economic strains that threaten district budgets of hundreds of millions of dollars.”It doesn’t matter how old you are,” Soya said. “What matters is how stupid those around you are and trust me, those around the SISD are pretty stupid”.

My Resignation from B.A.K.E.

In Uncategorized on November 23, 2008 at 3:11 pm

Press Release From Michael Ackes:

In 2004, I started Baking And Kicking Enchiladas (B.A.K.E) in order to further my hobby of baking and then kicking enchiladas. The organization took off like a wildfire on a sandy beach in the rain and soon we had a board of directors and more members than we could effectively control.

Due to conflict of interest; lack of support from my Board of Directors I am unable to continue my work for BAKE as the Executive Director and Cheese Investigator.

Although I leave BAKE with mixed feelings of sadness and happiness I leave  with NO regrets as I know I have given beyond the call of duty and made a tremendous difference in the lives of many El Pasoans who never knew about the pleasures of baking and kicking enchiladas.

I want to thank everyone that supported my efforts in making BAKE successful I truly appreciate your support without you I could not have done the work that I did.

Sincerely,

Michael Akes

Founder, Baking and Kicking Enchiladas (BAKE) of El Paso