Fake News Dude

Archive for January, 2009|Monthly archive page

Local Hoodlums Anxious To Bring Down Property Values In Proposed Magoffin Project Area

In Uncategorized on January 29, 2009 at 6:50 am

El Paso– Hoodlums, gang bangers, winos, sex offenders, prostitutes, Ramos and Compean, and a plethora of other criminals, lowlifes, and scumbags who control the Magoffin area in which the proposed Magoffin Project will be built were abuzz with excitement this morning after watching today’s city council meeting via the free wi-fi that local taxpayers provide for the downtown area and learning that Council had approved the building of the upscale Magoffin Apartments Project.

The derelicts explained to our reporters that they were a bit bored in the area since they had already brought down the property values as much as they could be brought down but that the prospect of yuppies paying upwards of $800 a month to live next to “us HUD people”  in the new apartments presented a great opportunity to bring down the property values once again.

Said one scumbag, “shit, I wouldn’t want to live near us, why some stupid yuppy would want to pay $800 to be my neighbor is beyond comprehension…especially when the same apartment can be had for at least 30% less in any other part of town; it really is incomprehensible”.

Various vagrants and lowlifes expressed excitement at the prospect of “really fucking this up” and could hardly wait to “start the raping, robbing, and pillaging”.

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Sinaloa Cartel Saves Star on Mountain

In Uncategorized on January 29, 2009 at 6:32 am

Juarez, Mx.– The Sinaloa Cartel’s Office of Press Relations, Juarez Region, released a statement late Wednesday afternoon announcing an agreement with the El Paso Chamber of Commerce that will save the star on El Paso’s Franklin Mountain.

The Sinaloa Cartel intends to take over control of the star and “maintain the star aesthetics, however every now on then, the star will blink on and off in rapid succession to help guide our blacked out aircraft carrying illicit cargo, find their unauthorized landing strips in El Paso”.

Sinaloa cartel officials, who were in El Paso on Wednesday lobbying for the continuation of the drug war, added that they intend to give back to the community and  to buy all the goodwill necessary that will allow them to do as they please with this community as “all it takes apparently, is $50m, US”.

PSB Responds To Growing Criticism

In Uncategorized on January 26, 2009 at 6:47 am

El Paso– The Public Service Board responded late Sunday night to recent and well founded criticisms that they are out of control, that their employees are ridiculously over paid, that there is a lack of oversight, are generally well rounded assholes and that they should cease to exist by releasing the below press release that was signed by CEO Ed Archuletta:

Dear Esteemed El Pasoans:

Recently the Public Service Board has been criticized for a multitude of reasons. Please rest assured that all of these accusations are true.

However, we have nothing to fear since we are almost untouchable so we have this message for our critics and all El Pasoans- FUCK YOU!

Sincerely,

Ed Archuleta, CEO (yea, I laugh too every time I see that)

Eddie Holguin Changes Mind At Walmart Checkout Lane

In Uncategorized on January 25, 2009 at 12:58 am

El Paso– Two of our writers, who moonlight at Walmart due to the unlawfully low wages paid to them by EPFN, told us this morning that a mini-riot was narrowly averted last night at Walmart due to a shopping cart of groceries that City Rep. Eddie Holguin walked away from and left at the checkout counter.

According to our writers, Rep. Holguin approached the only counter open at Walmart, since the policy at said store is to open one counter per 500,000 people at the store at any given time, with a shopping cart full of groceries and other basic necessities. Mr. Holguin was overheard telling his wife, “these groceries and other non-food items that we selected were very wise choices; we will be better off for these wise decisions”; Mrs. Holguin concurred with his assessment.

As Rep. Holguin was about to reach the checkout counter, a man who was described as looking “like that cowardly congressman Reyes” passed by Rep. Holguin’s shopping cart and said to noone in particular, “those groceries are not a wise choice… maybe you should wait”.

Rep. Holguin is then reported to have simply abandoned his grocery cart and walked out of the store empty handed.

Upset customers who were behind Mr. Holguin immediately became angry due to feeling trapped as they were surrounded by an empty shopping cart in the front and dirty diapers and recently sucked-on and discarded chicken bones that are common place at Walmart.

Other members of City Council are rumored to have done the same in the previous couple of days.

Ramos & Compean To Become Constables

In Uncategorized on January 22, 2009 at 6:29 am

El Paso– A spokesman for the Free Ramos & Compean & Ramos Campaign announced today that the soon to be released from their very much deserved prison sentence, Ramos (the first one) and Compean had applied and been hired as constables in former constable Alex Gamoboa’s district #6.

The spokesman said that the pair had responded to a deputy constable  job posting on Cragislist for Prisoners that solicited, “Corrupt former law enforcement officers, capable of shooting unarmed people in the back and lying about it and covering it up”.

The opening of the position came as a result of the former deputy constable being in jail due to rape charges as well as charges stemming from shooting an unarmed person in the back and lying about it.

On a related note, former deputy constable Ramos, who is currently incarcerated for the aforementioned charges, was overheard dictating a letter to his “celly” that was intended for the former President; the letter read in part, “what about me, fool?”.

EPFN: El Paso’s Number 1 Ranked Website!

In Uncategorized on January 20, 2009 at 3:15 am

Which El Paso Internet Web sites are the most-viewed? Take a look: Here are the latest rankings from Compete.com:

Rank    Site                   People

1.       elpasofakenews   8,894,432

2.       elpasotimes.com    199,331

3.        kfoxtv.com            34,375

4.        kdbc.com                10,700

5.        newspapertree.com    10,472

6.        ktsm.com                8,599

7.        kprr.com                  5,071

8.        klaq.com                  3,814

9.        khey.com                  3,043

10.      ksii.com                    2,740

——————-

NOTE: EPFN also owns El Paso Fake Numbers, the producers of the above chart and of Sun Bowl Parade attendee tallies and of all numbers used by city council and Eliot Shapligh.

God: Prayer Requests May Be Backed Up For A While Due To Superbowl

In Uncategorized on January 19, 2009 at 6:25 pm

Heaven– God released a press release Monday morning calling on all believers and non-believers who pray “just in case” to try to get all of their prayer requests in before the end of this week because he will be busy listening to and granting prayers during the superbowl. He will also be busy listening to “thank yous” after touchdowns and therefore, will not have time to grant superfluous prayers such as feeding the destitute and keeping people alive during this period.

Prayer request protocal will resume normal operating procedures on February 2, 2009.

Vigilante Group Promises To Kill One Good Idea Per Week

In Uncategorized on January 19, 2009 at 6:09 pm

El Paso– A new vigilante group has sprung up in El Paso after another vigilante group in Juarez announced its formation early last week.

The Juarez group announced that it would kill one criminal per day and that they had formed in response to the drug war being waged in their city. The El Paso vigilante group said that their goal is to kill a good idea per week.

The El Paso group announced that they were surprised and encouraged at the outpouring of support for their mission of killing good ideas by the backlash created by last week’s call for intelligent debate regarding the legalization of drugs by city council.

The El Paso vigilante group, which calls itself, The El Paso Vigilante Group, is seeking good ideas to kill and is requesting submissions by unintelligent and/or close-minded El Pasoans; submissions should be sent to WeChooseToKeepOurHeadsInTheSand@yahoo.com.

The group also announced that until last week, they would never had dreamed of finding a good idea coming from any of our elected officials but that they would have to start paying attention after “Beto’s dastardly deed”.

Intelligent Discussions Are For Bitches; Why Cook Is Right on Drug War

In Uncategorized on January 12, 2009 at 7:00 am

EPFN Editorial

We applaud Mayor Cook for his courageous stance on Tuesday against the evil scourge of intelligent discussion.

We stand in solidarity with the Bush administration and Mayor Cook as well as the vast majority of the citizens of this city in taking a firm stance against this plague of intelligence.

We stand in solidarity against revision of obviously flawed and continously failing polices.

We stand in solidarity with the Mayor and Rep. Reyes against government that actually works.

We stand in solidarity with Robert Almonte, the President of the Texas Narcotic Officers Association, who pleasantly shocked us when he announced that he too, was against the legalization of drugs. Almonte told us later on that he was also against intelligence and against discussions or “any combination thereof”.  Almonte continued, “the drug war is my/our meal ticket, why would I be against that? I might have to go out and get a real job”.

We don’t need, nor do we want logical ideas in our society. This is why we call on the quickly sinking El Paso Times, to never again allow pieces such as the very logical, Legalized drugs only way to halt cartels, to see the light of day again.  Shame on you too, NPT for your different pieces on the issue!

Neither intelligence nor discussions should be allowed to rear their ugly heads in this community.

Shame on you city council; Bravo Mayor Cook!

Border Plan Leaked

In Uncategorized on January 12, 2009 at 6:45 am

El Paso– EPFN has obtained a secret “Border Plan” which the Department of Homeland Security has devised in case Mexico’s vicous drug war ever spills into El Paso.

The plan, which is titled, “The Plan”, is based on President Bush’s homeland security philosophy and Iraq War strategies and calls for the invasion of Canada if Mexican drug lords attack the U.S. through Mexico.

We will bring you more details as they become available.

From The EPND Archives: January 7, 1860

In Uncategorized on January 8, 2009 at 3:34 am

From El Paso Fake News, January 7, 1860:

Mayor Cook Vetoes Resolution Asking For Debate on Slavery

Township of El Paso– The banjo playing mayor, Joseph Cook on Tuesday vetoed a unanimously supported resolution from City Council asking the federal government to seriously study the abolishment of slavery as a way to respond to the moral plague that is slavery.

“It is not realistic to believe that the U.S. Congress will seriously consider any broad-based debate on the abolishment of slavery,” Cook said. “That position is not consistent with the community standards both locally and nationally.”

Cook’s veto angered several on council, including some of his closest political allies.

Other Related Mayor News

Mayor Joseph Cook told us that he we recently visited a local psychic by the name of McFraud, and was told by said psychic that sometime in the distant future, one of his kin would become mayor of this dusty township.

The same psychic also told the mayor that the future mayor Cook would be defeated in a re- election bid due in large part to a “storm water” fiasco as well as numerous other “disasterous policies” the future mayor will champion.

Mayor Cook added that he believed McFraud’s predictions to be, “completely absurd…what kind of jerk would even think of taxing storm water?”.

Local Psychic Releases 2008 Predictions

In Uncategorized on January 4, 2009 at 5:17 pm

El Paso– In what has become a yearly tradition, local pyschic David McFraud held a press conference on Sunday morning during which he released his complete 2008 predictions as well as his 2009 pre-predictions.

McFraud, who is also a local radio celebrity, opened a sealed mayonaise jar and pulled out his 2008 predictions which he said he wrote on December 31, 2007. McFraud said that the sealed jar had remained unopened since last new year’s eve and in his care through out the year to ensure that nobody tampered with it.

The 2008 predictions, which were written on the back of an Obama/ Biden 08 campaign flyer included the following:

  • The U.S. will enter a recession in 2008
  • Barrack Obama will be elected president; Joe Biden will be Vice President. Hillary Clinton will be Secretary of State.
  • The Dallas Cowboys will be eleiminated from the playoffs after losing to Philadelphia.
  • Gov. Sarah Palin will be the Republican nominee for Vice President, John McCain will be the Presidential nominee.
  • Gas prices will rise early in the year, will fall towards the end of the year.
  • There will be a drug war in Juarez, 1,600 people will be killed.
  • A mediocre website, El Paso Fake News, will come into existence; this site will be the on-line manifestation of human excrement.

A gullible El Pasoan who attended the press conference said, “It’s totally amazing…it’s almost like he sat down a couple of minutes before this press conference and googled “2008 in review”, and then wrote these predictions down! He is amazing! I can’t wait to fork over what precious little money I have so that he can give me a reading…my kids can eat next week”.

McFraud’s entire list of 2009 pre-predictions are listed below; McFraud encouraged his followers to attend next year’s press conference to hear the complete list of 2009 predictions.

2009 Pre-Predictions:

  • Somebody who is associated with the letter “O” will have a hard time in 2009.
  • Somebody who is associated with the letter “Q” will die in 2009.

Stories We May Cover Next Week

In Uncategorized on January 3, 2009 at 8:48 pm

EPFN Secret Lair– Below is a list of possible stories that have been submitted by our inept reporters that we may feature next week:

  • “Extreme Makeover” Visits El Paso… Which Elected Official Will Get Made Over?
  • Juarez Cartels Fire Rockets Into El Paso
  • 8 Spectators Show Up…Record High Attendance at UTEP Lady Basketball Game
  • Indios Soccer Team Kidnapped in Juarez
  • Another Stomping Death At Horizon City McDonalds
  • Tony Romo Attempts Suicide… Bullet Intercepted

El Paso Politicos’ New Year’s Resolutions

In Uncategorized on January 2, 2009 at 5:29 pm

El Paso– EPFN questioned some of El Paso’s elected officials about their new years resolutions, below is a sampling of some of their responses:

  • Eddie Holguin: Eddie told us he plans to hire a full time caretaker for his moustache so that he can focus on spending every single moment that he’s not in a city council meeting walking door to door asking every one of his constituents how they want him to vote.
  • Beto O’Rourke: Buoyed by Joe Muench’s ridiculous assertion that this Republican has a chance of becoming El Paso’s next U.S. Representative, Beto told us that he is thinking of changing his last name to “de la O ‘Rourke” so as to improve his chances of unseating Rep. Reyes.
  • Beautiful Melina Castro: Frightend by the El Paso Times’ end of year discovery that there was a drug war being fought in Juarez, Melina tells us that she is planning on leaving Juarez and moving to El Paso next year. Melina added that anywhere in El Paso would be suitable however, she prefers “anywhere but the North East, God that place is scary…almost as scary as Juarez!”.
  • Steve Ortega: “My bags are packed and I’m ready for some good ol’ carpet bagging…I’m just waiting for Veronica to become judge so that I can move into her district and I can run for her seat. City council pay just isn’t cutting it plus my mom threatened to stop paying my rent if I don’t do more to help out”.
  • Rachel Quinta: “Just to stay out of jail, man”.
  • Susie Byrd: “I’m going to try to get city sports leagues to accept dogs; it’s an injustice that dogs can’t play along side our children. I’ve been reviewing old tapes of Air Bud and my research tells me that dogs are indeed capable of playing at the same level as most kids…as well as biting off their heads”.
  • Ann Morgan Lilly: “I plan to continue to impersonate a corpse on city council”.
  • Eliot Shapleigh: “I’m going to ban a whole lotta shit…. A  LOTTA SHIT!”.
  • Anthony Cobos: “I’m looked at a position in the U.N., possibly Secretary General since the fuckers at the Times, NPT and David K ruined my chances with the Obama administration”.
  • Norma Chavez: “I’m just gonna skip this legislative session all together and ride my motorcycle, cuz you know I ride a motorcycle, to Washington to start working on Obama’s 2012 re-election campaign”.
  • Willie Gandara: “I’m going to give even more of my salary to the poor and then if I have time, possibly cure cancer…welcome to Willy land!”.
  • Anna Perez: “Although it seems impossible from my new position, I’m going to try to get even more El Paso officials arrested for contempt of court like I almost did to Gilbert Sanchez. The local media won’t cover this either so I’m not worried”.
  • Ed Archuletta: “I’m going to continue to eat babies after I yank out their hearts with my bare hands..oh yea, and puppies too”.
  • Mayor Cook: “look for a job”.

Experts To 2008: “You Sucked!”

In Uncategorized on January 2, 2009 at 3:22 pm
You Suck, 2008

2008 To World: "Screw You!"

El Paso– Fake experts questioned by EPFN universally agreed that 2008 really sucked.

With President Bush having set the country on auto-pilot, destination: disaster, in 2004 and the economy in shambles, the country on the brink of full blown socialism and Osama bin Laden still on the loose, two wars still being fought and the Cowboys self destructing as well as the release of Kanye West’s new album, experts agreed that the year 2008 would have still been somewhat salvageable had there not been a scourge of fake news sites birthing themselves towards the end of the year to nail the coffin on what could very well be the worst year in the history of the country.

Locally, the enlightened city council attempted to give away even more tax dollars belonging to the most impoverished municipal tax payers in the country to yet another billionaire- in exchange for a new mall- that is next to another mall.

The same council also made El Paso even more unattractive to business by enacting the biggest tax increase in city history with the storm water tax.  Experts agreed that noone thought it was possible to make El Paso even more business unfriendly but that this council defied everyone’s expectations and managed to do so; said one expert, “they should really be proud of themselves!”.  The same experts added that council should try to challenge themselves even more in 2009 and aim for a “sunshine” tax and even a “dust tax”.

The El Paso Times urged voters to dump Obama due to his socialism while urging council to redistribute impoverished El Pasoan’s wealth to billionaires Sanders and Foster. Roy Ortega told the snarky El Paso Fake News, “I Hate You!” but when both of our fans threatened to cancel their subscriptions (thanks Mom!), recanted and said, “Sike, just kidding“.

City Council kept on increasing the cost of living by trying to enact an unneeded ban on plastic bags that could possibly help the wildlife in the Bay of El Paso and by keeping in effect the proven to be worthless pet microchip ordinance- which may have actually caused more animal deaths by keeping pets away from vets out of fear of being fined for not having a chip.

In an attempt to “out Juarez” itself, Juarez  proved able to astound the most hardened cynics by turning into Iraq with a full blown drug war, decapitations, mass murders, burned out businesses and camels.

Socorro ISD voters booted out a superintendent that raised tax scores because “she was rude” while a recently elected board member resigned a day after being sworn in because he “was busy”. The board appointed a 10 year old to replace him arguing that she “was just as intelligent, if not more so”.

UTEP football continued to suck and the Diablos and Rhinos continued to be invisible to most of our populace leading many to wonder, “just how the hell do they stay in existence?” while others believe that they exist only on their websites. For reasons yet unknown to most of humanity, another Arena Football team, The Generals, came into existence and think they can survive… in El Paso no less!

County employees worked a total of 15 days this year while our favorite corrupt politician, County Judge Cobos, disappointed us yet again when he failed to be nominated to a cabinet position in the Obama administration. City council banned rude behavior towards the disabled on city busses while our State Senator, Elliot Shapleigh, introduced a bill that would ban trans-fats and “all manners of dangerous activities” that included playing video games, football, fatty foods, unprotected sex, mountain biking and a plethora of others.

Experts agreed that while seemingly impossible, 2009 could prove to suck even more ass than 2008 with the current batch of elected officials- if they keep on being themselves.