Fake News Dude

Archive for December, 2008|Monthly archive page

El Paso Beauty Queen Arrested

In Uncategorized on December 29, 2008 at 5:34 am

Yarbrough Walmart Parking Lot– El Paso beauty queen, Laura Zunga, was

Tasty In So Many Ways

mmm, Tasty!

arrested on Saturday night by Walmart Police after a sting operation targeting illegal tamale parking lot sales.

A Walmart Police spokesperson told EPFN that the arrest was the result of a month long investigation in which undercover Walmart Police made purchases of illegal tamales from their parking lots, often hiding themselves behind piles of discarded diapers and shopping carts that were not in thier proper place.

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EPFN & EPT Use Same Fake Experts

In Uncategorized on December 26, 2008 at 5:34 pm

El Paso– The quickly sinking El Paso Fake News took another step closer to legitimacy last week when the quickly sinking El Paso Times inadvertently disclosed their use of fake experts in this 12/20/08 Letter to the Editor.

The El Paso Fake News have long made use of “fake experts” in their short existence which has led many critics to question the legitamcy of said fake newspaper.

Experts agree that now with the disclosure that the El Paso Times also use the same fake experts, both news organizations are now equally credible.

Experts annoy

Brandi Grissom’s Tuesday piece states in part, “Experts seem to agree that during Perry’s tenure, more power than ever has been concentrated in the constitutionally weak governor’s office.”

OK, maybe. I know I’m to be reassured, after all, that experts agree.

Who are these experts? What qualifications make them experts? Specifically, what subject matter are they experts in?Finally, what are their names? Why be shy, why not be be proud of the stated expertise.

The annoying “expert” ploy is used too often by “journalists” to avoid any challenge to the content of the piece.

Chris **** / Horizon City

Related links:

El Paso City Council/ Sun Metro Fake Numbers

Sun Bowl Parade Fake Numbers

Satan to El Paso: “Oh no I d-i-d-n’-t!”

In Uncategorized on December 23, 2008 at 12:26 pm

HELL– On Monday evening, Satan released a statement addressed to all El Pasoans denying the claims of an individual that the reason that individual threw his baby out the window was because Satan told him to do so.

The statement read in part, “when I first heard the news, I was like, “Ah hell no! I know that fool didn’t just say that I told him to do that shit!”.  Satan added that while he was evil, he was not sick and that throwing a baby out of a moving car is just “plain old mother fucking sick”.

Satan did explain that at the time of occurrence, he was on his weekly confrence call with his friend Senator Shapleigh and that the lines might have gotten crossed or that “sometimes that satellite radio picks up some of my conversations” and therefore the baby thrower may have thought Satan was talking to him but “that still doesn’t give him a right to be out there besmirching my [Belzebub’s] name”.

Watergate’s Deep Throat Dies; El Paso’s Deep Throat Doing Fine

In Uncategorized on December 20, 2008 at 7:01 pm

News Brief

El Paso– News coverage of the recent death of Mark Felt, Watergate’s Deep Throat, has caused confusion amongst many El Pasoans, leading them to believe that El Paso’s very own deep throat was the one who had passed away, presumably from an STD.

A press release announced that “Lexy” who also goes by the name, “El Paso Deep Throat” and works evenings on Dyer and weekends downtown, is still very much alive and doing brisk business, especially Tuesdays after city council meetings.

The press release further explained that the confusion had caused a drop in business and in an attempt to counteract this confusion, El Paso Deep Throat is offering bj(s) for the discounted rate of $10 a head.

New Scourge Befalls City; Fake/Funny News Sites Proliferate At Dangerous Pace

In Uncategorized on December 20, 2008 at 12:00 am

El Paso– Yet another Fake/Funny News Website covering El Paso came into existence today as announced by Newspaper Tree.

The El Paso Sun became the fifth Fake/Funny News site to befall this city recently, adding to the El Paso Fake News , El Paso’s Actually Funny Fake News, The Avocadoan and the El Paso Times.

Experts told The El Paso Fake News that an explanation for the proliferation of these types of websites could lay in the ease of finding humorous material in this city due to the current make up of city council, commissioners court and the rest of the city and county’s elected officials whose meetings often resemble circuses and whose members are often indistinguishable from clowns.

Experts added that the owners of these sites are really opportunists as they sense the impending death of the El Paso Times as was signaled by Roy Ortega’s recent vicious attack on the El Paso Fake News (see Roy Ortega to Snarky EPFN: “I Hate You!”).

While The Avocadoan was the first of these types of news organizations, they had been inactive recently as they were busy “taking over”. Whatsmore, while they were busy taking over, they were viciously blindsided by The El Paso Times who whipped them in a rigged local poll.

Sensing an opportunity and a chance to kick someone while they’re down, The El Paso Fake News came into existence earlier this month and experienced unprecedented success for two weeks as the preeminent Fake/Funny news organization in the city, second only to the El Paso Times.

The glory days came to an abrupt end as The El Paso Actually Funny Fake News birthed themselves and announced to the world that The El Paso Fake News were not funny. Already down, The El Paso Times delivered an almost fatal stab in the back that same afternoon when Roy Ortega announced to the world that he hated The El Paso Fake News.

News analysts and experts are monitoring this precarious situation and recently confirmed rumors that the quickly sinking El Paso Fake News is on the verge of collapse and may ask for a bailout soon.

YISD Names New Superindendent; Plans To Begin New Job Search Immediately

In Uncategorized on December 18, 2008 at 8:36 pm

EL PASO — After deliberating for more than four hours Wednesday, trustees of the Ysleta Independent School District chose Michael Zolkoski, a former leader of Tulsa Public Schools, to become the next superintendent of the 44,000-student district.

Officials will meet Jan. 15 to finalize his contract which is rumored to include a yearly salary of nearly $3 million and he will begin work anytime after that.

Immediately after starting work, Zolkoski told us that he plans to begin his next job search as is customary in El Paso area school districts. “By my second day on the job, I should have my resume updated and perhaps by the end of the first week, I will be sending them out”.

Zolkoski added that he wanted “to send a big shout out to all the big school districts in other parts of Texas” and that he “really looks forward to going down there soon”.

New Addition To “Free Ramos & Compean” Campaign

In Uncategorized on December 18, 2008 at 8:02 am

El Paso– Supporters of the “Free Ramos and Compean” Campaign announced

Cute Stars

Cute Stars

yesterday that they were adding Ex Constable Mario Ramos who was indicted yesterday for shooting an unarmed man in the back during a traffic stop after seeing “a shiney object” and was also arrested last month for raping a female after seeing “a shiny object” near her pants to the “Free Ramos and Compean” Campaign.

The campaign will now be named, “Free Ramos, Ramos and Compean”. Supporters updated their clemency petition and sent the updated version to President Bush for consideration.

Racist and right-wing groups and websites, which are usually the same thing and make up the bulk of supporters for the original Ramos and Compean, were abuzz  yesterday with excitement due to the announcement.

Colorado Rep. Tom Tancredo released a statement announcing that a man “with such cute stars on his neck and pretty eyebrows could not possibly be responsible for the crimes those Mexicans in El Paso are accussing him of… if his victims had not had shiney objects this would not have happened”.

Commissioners Court Solves El Paso Poverty Conundrum

In Uncategorized on December 18, 2008 at 7:45 am

El Paso– Starting in February, Lower Valley residents will have a convenient way to get marriage licenses, pay fines and get veterans benefits all at one location.The El Paso County Ysleta Annex will be home to several county offices as part of an ongoing county effort to take services into the public.

“We’re taking the county to the people,” Commissioner Teran said. “For too long, people residing in the valley and outlying areas have had to travel to Downtown or to the lower valley Zaragoza County office to be treated rudely by county employees who rarely work cuz we give them so many days off; now they can do so by cutting their commute in half”.

The $4.3 million Ysleta Annex is the second such facility constructed by the county. An annex is already operating in the Northeast and there are plans to construct another in the northwest part of the county.

Commissioners explained that they were having trouble finding ways to throw away and waste the millions of tax dollars they collect each year until they came up with the idea of “taking the county to the people”.

Commissioners added that next year they plan to shut the centers down and focus on hiring thousands of “taking the county to the people- people” who will cruise the streets until they are flagged down by citizens who need County services so that “this way we can waste even more money”.

Court members further advised that while endeavors such as this are completely unnecessary and viewed as a disgraceful waste of tax payers’ money by much of humanity and border on being criminal, this could actually be a way for El Paso County to no longer be one of the poorest county in the country because “we are spending money to take the county to the people”.

Roy Ortega to Snarky EPFN: “I Hate You!”

In Uncategorized on December 17, 2008 at 12:01 am

BREAKING NEWS ALERT!

El Paso– For the second time in the same afternoon, the quickly sinking El Paso Fake News took a viscious blow from another El Paso media outlet when Roy Ortega of the quickly sinking El Paso Times wrote on his blog, “I also hate the fact that the Internet has given rise to pseudo journalism, fake news and anonymous blogging.”

Ortega continued, “One of the perks I enjoy in my job is writing this Media Buzz blog where I get to utilize my extensive background in TV news…”  When asked to comment, EPFN owner said, “one of the perks I enjoy in my job is writing for El Paso Fake News where I get to utilize my extensive background in being a fraud and a fake…”

Earlier in the afternoon, EPFN discovered that a widely known corporate secret, that El Paso Fake News was not funny, had been leaked and splashed on the pages of the upstart, El Paso’s Actually Funny Fake News.

EPFN staff is still reeling from this double whammy that we were struck with this afternoon. We have scheduled a tenative day off from the news tomorrow so that we can try to regroup. Stay tuned for more information.

EPAFFN to EPFN: “You’re Not Funny!”

In Uncategorized on December 16, 2008 at 8:53 pm

BREAKING NEWS ALERT!

El Paso– El Paso’s Actually Funny Fake News announced today that El Paso Fake News is not funny.

El Paso Fake News is investigating the obvious leak of information from our corporate offices. So far,  Veronica Escobar has advised us that she was not responsible for this leak.

Local Reporter Throws Shoe At Mayor Cook

In Uncategorized on December 16, 2008 at 5:13 am

El Paso– During a news conference held by Mayor Cook on Monday morning at a local orphanage, described by the exact same press release put out 17 times by the 17 PIO(s) of the City of El Paso as “a photo op, really, for the mayor who is running scared about his re-election due to the storm water fiasco and a plethora of other disasterous issues he supported”, a reporter from soon-to-be-sold, possibly-for-scrap-metal- KDBC threw a size 4 Payless brand pump at Mayor John Cook’s head as he faced reporters. It is believed that the pump may have had after-market Bedazzler (c) rhinestones and miscellaneous jewels. The mayor, used to ducking numerous questions and issues, managed to duck the shoe as well and remained unscathed.

The reporter, who asked to remain annonymous, said, “we’re all gonna be out of job soon, (start air quotes) suposebly [sic] (end air quotes), so I had to make a name for myself so that I can stand out in the job market”.

Cobos To JOP: “You’re Not Going Anywhere!”

In Uncategorized on December 15, 2008 at 12:26 am

El Paso– In another stunning move in the on-going drama involving El Paso County Judge Anthony Cobos, his Chief of Staff Jaime O. Perez, the F.B.I and sasquatch, Judge Cobos on Friday announced that he refused to accept Perez’s resignation which Perez had twittered in on Wednesday afternoon.

Judge Cobos remained tight lipped about the situation, however, EPFN has obtained screen shots of an on-going discussion between the Judge and JOP on thier Myspace pages. EPFN’s news analysts deduced from the on-going conversation that the two were not on speaking terms and that they were only communicating via their respective MySpace pages.

Below is a partial transcript:

AC: Just where the fuck do you think you’re going?

JOP: I’m sick of you and the FBI and Veronica Escobar and Sasquatch and David K! I’m outta here. I’m gonna run against Steve Ortega, he’s almost as unpopular as you and the El Paso Times.

AC: You’re not going anywhere fucker! You’re staying by my side until the end, just like the band in Titanic. What, do you think that you get paid over $100,000 just to photoshop Melina’s head onto other mamacitas’ body’s and to write stupid articles for El Paso Fake News?

JOP: But our plans got all messed up! No more Bahamas, no more Secretary of State in the Obama administration, no more nothing!

AC: Don’t make me tie you to your office. I still got the chains that we used on Sasquatch.

EPFN’s news analysts noted that Mr. Perez’s MySpace “Mood” had recently been changed from “anxious” to “scared shitless”. The emoticon on his page is now  a “frowning face” with “scared looking eyes”.  Judge Cobo’s MySpace page shows that his favorite band is the Jonas Brothers and his favorite movies are Nixon and Harry and the Hendersons.

Strange Being Seen At Courthouse

In Uncategorized on December 14, 2008 at 9:17 pm

EPFN has obtained the following pictures of an odd looking being that were taken at the El Paso County Courthouse over the weekend by FBI agents who when asked what they were doing at the courthouse replied, “jus chillin”.

El Paso Fake News analysts are still trying to determine what these pictures could possibly mean:

New County Judge?

New County Judge?

Preparing For Big Announcement?

Preparing For Big Announcement?

Breaking News: Jaime Perez, “I’m Outta Here!”

In Uncategorized on December 11, 2008 at 8:43 am

BREAKING NEWS ALERT

El Paso– In a stunning move that was expected within the next couple of weeks, Jaime Perez, the Chief of Staff to the embattled El Paso County Judge, Anthony Cobos, tendered his resignation yesterday evening.

Sources within the County Court confirmed that Jaime Perez twittered in his resignation at about 6:00pm Wednesday evening. She also told us that in his resignation message, Perez said, “this shit is starting to sully even my name!” and “at least we got to mess with the El Paso Times, man they really fell for that fake list of possible successors that I had actually written for El Paso Fake News…are they fucking dumb or what?”

Perez is also reported to have twittered, “El Paso won’t have us to kick around anymore…Lets see how El Paso likes having a fucking big foot for a county judge”.

Pundits are still trying to decipher what Perez meant by “big foot”.

Other sources at the El Paso Airport tell us that on Wednesday morning, while the media were busy falling over themselves trying to determine which of Cobos’ enemies Cobos would appoint as his successor, two men resembling Cobos and Perez were seen at the airport renting a private jet and discussing a one way trip to the Bahamas.

The two were seen paying for a chartered flight with cold cash, that is the cash they used actually had frost on it. The condition was explained away by one of the men as being a result of the blizzard that struck the city the day before. The source also advised us that one of the men was overheard saying, “lets go have a press confrence to play with them a bit more before the big news”.

EPFN Obtains Cobos Legal Opinion & Clues About Possible Successor

In Uncategorized on December 11, 2008 at 12:31 am

El Paso– El Paso Fake News (Nasdaq= epfn) has obtained a secret legal opinion that was sought by the soon to be unemployed El Paso County Judge.

In the secret opinion, which was obtained from the El Paso County website, Judge Cobos asked the County Attorney’s Office if he [the judge] could be “replaced by a non-human entity including but not limited to mammals, reptiles or alien life forms”.

The County Attorney replied that state law stipulates that “succession of the County Judge position is only allowed for humans and a small amount of certain non-human mammals”.

The leaking of this information fueled speculation about the possibility of 3  more elected officials in El Paso County becoming Cobos’ successor. The three had previously been discounted by the local media and pundits due to the media’s unfounded belief that the County Judge could only be succeeded by a human life form.

EPFN has also discovered that many of the County’s computers have been accessed in the last 24 hours to research “sasquatch” and “sasquatch, and Horizon City” and “can Sasquatch read” and “phone number for sasquatch” as well as “countries with no extradition treaty with the U.S.” and “how to unfreeze bundles of cash” and “Melina Castro, naked”.

News Briefs

In Uncategorized on December 10, 2008 at 5:59 am

Corrupt El Paso Politicians See Silver Lining in Illinois Scandal

El Paso– A group of corrupt El Paso politicians sent out a press release declaring, “we may be as corrupt as the Illinois governor but at least our hair isn’t as fucked up as his”.  In the press release, the corrupt local officials also lamented not asking for more money and generally not knowing how to be “classy while being corrupt like that governor guy”.

Scandal Reveals, Most El Pasoans Pronounce “S” In Illinois

A fake study conducted by EPFN’s parent company, El Paso Fake Numbers, conducted after news of the Illinois Govenor Scandal broke revealed that 78% of El Pasoans pronounce the “s” in Illinois.

Light Snow Sprinkles Parts of City; City In Chaos

In Uncategorized on December 9, 2008 at 8:48 pm

El Paso– A very slight to virtually non-existent dusting of snow left the Sun City in chaos yesterday as thousands of El Paso drivers immediately commenced to skid and crash thier vehicles upon hearing the word snow, even without actually being anywhere around it.

Scared masses of El Pasoans were seen at local Wal-Marts and Targets hoarding canned foods and other survival essentials as they prepared to wheather Blizzard 2008; hardly anybody went to K-mart because it sucks.

Local government came to a standstill as City employees went home upon hearing that it was snowing atop the Franklin Mountains as a “snow day” was called while County employees were already on a regularly scheduled day off.

Stay with EPFN for more over coverage of Blizzard 2008!

High Winds Nearly Topple City Hall

In Uncategorized on December 9, 2008 at 12:44 pm

El Paso– High winds struck the city with a vengance on Monday, tearing roofs and facades off of numerous crappy buildings around town.

City engineers told EPFN that the high winds nearly toppled city hall but that city hall was saved only by the enormous counter-weight of some city council persons egos coupled with the stupidity of thier ideas. Said a city engineer, “thier egos and stupid ideas created a force field of sorts around the building, you could see the high winds smash against the invisible force field that surrounded the building and instead strike the Insights building. Lucikly, nobody ever goes to the Insights museum.”

Tony Sanches, a part time pizza delivery driver and part time dance instructor at El Paso Community College, Fabens Campus, and local expert on economics, foreign policy and drug and cartel violence, added, “even if the buiding had collapsed, not that many people would have been hurt thanks in large part to city employees who take a 3 hour lunch and are rarely in the building itself.”

Sanches explained that had city hall actually toppled over, there would be no city council activity for a year and that would result in lower taxes, more freedom, an explosion of business and tourists and an unbelievable increase in overall happiness, a condition described by an annonymous city council person as, “a disaster”.

65,000 Welcome Christmas Lights…Easily Could Have Been 650,000

In Uncategorized on December 8, 2008 at 12:10 pm

El Paso–A measly 65,000 people turned out to the 73rd Annual Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony and Holiday Light Parade on Saturday Night at the Paul Foster park.

Paradegoers, like the 8,000 light bulbs adorning the live Afghan pine at Paul Foster Plaza, were all aglow Saturday night as Mayor John Cook, with the help of 8-year-old Krystal Morales, flipped the switch to turn Christmas on Downtown this year.

Many El Pasoans were disappointed that only 65,000 people “attended” this event and the amount of participants didn’t come close to the 350,000 that  usually “attend” the Thanksgiving Parade.

Ima Froud, owner of El Paso Fake News and El Paso Fake Numbers, the company that is staffed entirely by teachers who have failed their certification tests and provides the attendance numbers for the Thanksgiving Parade and provides projections for city council, said, “if city council had hired us, we could have very easily turned the 65,000 people in attendance into 650,000 by adding a zero. Its not like anybody questions these ridiculous numbers… we make shit like this up all the time. Maybe next year city council will hire us”.

NOTE: In the spirit of full disclosure, Ima Froud, who is the millionaire owner of El Paso Fake News and El Paso Fake Numbers, which was mentioned in the above story, is also the owner of El Paso Fake Personalities and El Paso Stupid Ideas, both companies do a lot of  business with El Paso City Council and County Commissioners Court.

Racist Visits El Paso, Makes Ridiculous Claims

In Uncategorized on December 5, 2008 at 12:31 pm

EL PASO — Sometimes controversial and outspoken but always racist,  former Los Angeles Police Chief Daryl Gates said Thursday that casual drug users in the U.S. are at the root of the violence in Juárez and should be shot. Gates also said that gays, blacks, non-christians and “many of you brown brothers out in the audience” should be shot as well.

Gates was in El Paso to speak at a ceremony for graduating peace officers.

Gates also said, “I don’t think the people in the United States are grasping what a serious problem it is. Mexico has lost more people in a very short period of time than those lost in Iraq or Afghanistan,” he said.”I know to many of you Mexicans that the number of 1,400, which is the amount of those killed in Juarez so far this year may seem like a lower number than 600,000, the number killed in Iraq since the start of the war 2004, but I checked with the people who count crowds at the Sun Bowl Parade and with the teachers in El Paso who haven’t passed their certification tests and they assured me that indeed 1,400 is a bigger number than 600,000 so fuck you”.

Gates continued, “I know that many of you “smart” people prove with your logic and facts that it is prohibition that is actually responsible for all of the problems associated with drugs but I have one thing to say to you- fuck you too”.

“I think, you know, I have such a low opinion of the black and brown people in the United States as well as the fags and also those who continue to use drugs. They are really responsible for getting Barack Hussein YoMama  Bin- Laden elected President and for what’s happening in Mexico — they really are. We go along every day. We don’t take that responsibility that we ought to assume. Somebody asked me one time about casual drug users, blacks, mexicans and gays, I said they ought to take them out and shoot them.”

The shocked audience and newly graduated officers slowly trickled out of the auditorium with stunned looks and shaking their heads during the speech and it is unknown at what time Gates finished speaking as the auditorium had emptied out five minutes into Gate’s speech.

God Hates Juarez, Says Vatican

In Uncategorized on December 5, 2008 at 10:27 am

Vatican City– EPFN sent reporters from our crack investigative unit to Vatican City to ask religious experts to explain the unlikely arrival of camels recently as well as the violence and past appearance of a giraffe named Modesto and a lion named Fleck in the Juarez.

Vatican officials, who spoke on the condition of annonymity, said “we can’t be sure but we think its because God hates Juarez. How would you like it if everyone in a city had your mothers njuangabrielame or picture tatooed on thier bodies, painted on their walls, pictures in thier homes, on thier belt buckles, shirts…even baseball caps for crying outloud!” The official added that Gods vengance upon the city could possibly, “be due to Juan Gabriel…not so much his lifestyle preference but his overall exisitence… that fucker is an abomination”.

The official hypothesized that the events in Juarez could signal the end of times or even that “Juarez could very well be turning into Iraq. I don’t know how or why but its obvious. First there were giraffes found in the city and then lions and now camels. If you couple that with the military around the city and the coffee brown hue of the inhabitants with the crumbling 3rd world infrastructure and building facades and of course the beheadings, torture, mass murders and shootouts in the open”.

The official closed with “El Pasoans and Juarenses would be well served to turn thier city into a “green zone” of sorts, much like the Americans have in Iraq”…”oh yea and to pray, pray like you’ve never prayed before”.

Juarez Turning Into Iraq, Experts Say

In Uncategorized on December 5, 2008 at 10:03 am
camels

Juarez Magic Camels

El Paso– The sudden and magical appearance of two camels in the middle of Juarez yesterday added to theory that Juarez is indeed turning into Iraq in the minds of many experts.

Motorists called police after seeing two camels walking through residential areas and sniffing at the dead bodies strewn about, presumably looking for gum or small snacks that the dead still had in their pockets. Police broke away from helping their cartel associates and helped lasso the two camels and sold them to the proprietor of a taco stand before the end of their shift.

Oddly enough, two hours after the magical appearance of the camels, passers by called police once again after noticing an “oddly dressed man walking about residential areas, sniffing at dead bodies”. Police once again broke from their normal cartel assigned duties and helped lasso the oddly dressed man. The man, who was later identified as Prescott Al-Sadr, the son of the firebrand cleric Muqtada Al-Sadr whose homebase is in Sadr City in Iraq and whose militia has often fought against Amerian forces.

After being pressed by officals, Prescott Al-Sadr admitted to being in Juarez because he, “had heard that it was very much like Iraq…it looks like Sadr City, there are freaking lions, giraffes and now camels roaming the streets and with the be-headings and mass murders and whatnot,I thought it would be a very welcoming place for our fighters who could stir up trouble for the evil satan, the United States, without feeling homesick. However, after being in the city for only a day, I think this place really sucks. Its too dangerous. I would not subject my men to such dangerous and squalid conditions. Besides, what kind of sick bastard would be selling camel tacos? We are better off in Iraq”.

Tony Sanches, a part time pizza delivery driver and part time dance instructor at El Paso Community College, Fabens Campus, and local expert on economics, foreign policy and drug and cartel violence, told us that Juarez is “probably turning into Iraq. I don’t know how or why but its obvious. First there were giraffes found in the city and then lions and now camels. If you couple that with the coffee brown hue of the inhabitants with the crumbling 3rd world infrastructure and building facades and of course the beheadings, torture, mass murders and shootouts in the open”.  Sanches added that, “El Pasoans would be well served to turn thier city into a “green zone” of sorts, much like the Americans have in Iraq”.

Related:  http://www.diario.com.mx/nota.php?notaid=b7d3f8a63ecd45951b0ccd84daccf694

http://www.elpasotimes.com/news/ci_11133788

More Oregon State Players Commit Suicide To Avoid Sun Bowl

In Uncategorized on December 4, 2008 at 3:25 am

largebeaverphoto

Portland– Three more Oregon State football players committed suicide on Tuesday evening in a last ditch attempt to avoid having to play in the Sun Bowl adding to the four who had done so already after learning of ESPN’s projections that have Oregon State playing Pittsburgh in the Sun Bowl on December 31st.

Two other players left the team immediately upon hearing the original ESPN report on Saturday and joined the Marines and asked to be sent to “Iraq or Afganistan… anywhere but El Paso”.

Oregon State officials have put the entire team on a suicide watch and have barred military recruiters from talking to players until after the new year.

Oregon State officials are also petitioning the NCAA to be forced to forfeit at least 3 of their victories for various violations which they declined to name in order to be ineligible for the Sun Bowl.

NCAA officials advised that they were reviewing the request and had no further comment.

Political World Rocked Again; Cobos Not Appointed Commerce Secretary

In Uncategorized on December 4, 2008 at 3:07 am

Washington DC– For the second time in as many days, the political world has been rocked to its judge1foundations by President Elect Barack Obama’s non- nomination of El Paso County Judge Anthony Cobos for a cabinet post in his administration.

The El Paso Times as well as most of the main stream media and punditry had widely expected the President Elect to nominate the hugely unpopular and balding El Paso County Judge who lacks a college degree and is on the verge of a federal indictment for corruption, to be named to a cabinet post in the Obama administration; presumably Secretary of State.

However, in a stunning move, Barack Obama announced yesterday the nomination of New York Senator Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State. It was then expected by many, especially by the El Paso Times editorial staff that at this point that Cobos would be named Secretary of Homeland Security. Said Joe Muench, “it couldn’t be anybody else but Cobos…who the hell could be as qualified?”.  EPFN tried to question other members of the Times’ editorial staff but they were busy performing their regularly scheduled janitorial tasks.

Obama then defied the world’s expectations and instead named the not-as- qualified-as-Cobos Arizona governor, Janet Napolotano. The political world buzzed again througout the night as it became widely expected that Cobos would be given the consolation nomination of Commerce Secretary, however, once again the President Elect chose the less qualified New Mexico Governor Richardson.

Cobos’ chances seem to be dimming although many still believe that the other cabinet post usually reserved for Hispanics, Treasury Secretary, could be Cobos’ for the asking.

The world awaits.

Cobos Not Selected Secretary of State

In Uncategorized on December 3, 2008 at 4:01 am

Washington– In a shocking turn of events, President-Elect Obama selected New York Senator Hilary judgeClinton as his Secretary of State instead of El Paso County Judge Anthony Cobos yesterday.

For reasons still unknown to most of humanity, the El Paso Times as well as us here at EPFN News thought that Judge Cobos, who has no college degree and is almost universally despised and is on the brink of indictment by the FBI, really believed that Cobos was on the verge of being named as Obama’s Secretary of State.

After Clinton’s unexpected and unlikely nomination, rumors quickly swirled, like a swirly piece of dog crap, that Cobos might be the next Homeland Security Secretary. However, the hopes of thousands of El Pasoans, the 315,000 of them that attended the Thanksgiving Day Parade actually,  were quickly dashed as President Elect Obama soon announced Arizona Governor Napalotano as Homeland Security Secretary.

When asked to comment, the Obama transition replied in an offical statement with, “What the fuck is wrong with you guys? Seriously, what the fuck are you thinking?”.

Sun Bowl Parade Mystery Solved

In Uncategorized on December 2, 2008 at 5:23 am

El Paso– EPFN’s investigative unit has finally solved one of El Paso’s biggest mysteries- how the borderline mediocre Sunbowl Parade could attract over 320,000 people, half of the city’s population, year after year onto the sidelines of a 2.7 mile stretch of road. Furthermore, and just as mysterious is how the vast majority of these people were never picked up by the cameras.

Years of investigation have revealed that the suspicions of intelligent El Pasoan’s were true and that the numbers were utter bullshit afterall.

EPFN’s investigatve unit, also known as The EPFN Investigative Unit, discovered that the official count of the crowd has been conducted every year by a special team of El Paso teachers who have yet to pass their certification exams. Apparently, the teachers’ supervisors liked this “busy work” as it got these teachers off of their hands for a few weeks.

When asked how in the hell it was that they came up with these ridiculously outrageous attendance figures year after year, the teachers responded that the real figure was between 3,100 and 31,000 but they added more zeros because, “they looked perty”.

BAKE Board of Directors Killed; Michael Ackes Resumes Top Post

In Uncategorized on December 2, 2008 at 5:11 am

El Paso — In a stunning development in the ongoing irrelevant saga between the founding member of BAKE (Baking and Kicking Enchiladas) and the board of directors, all four members of the BAKE Board of Directors were shot to death in a gangland style hit at a popular gordita restaurant, Pushing Gorditas, in Juarez on Sunday night.

Juarez Police said that it was unknown what the four were doing at this restaurant or who invited them and that there are no suspects.

Also, but unrelated to the above events, Michale Ackes, the founder and former head of BAKE, announced on Saturday night that he would be resuming a leadership position in his former group, “soon, really freaking soon”.

Press Release- From BAKE Board of Directors

In Uncategorized on December 2, 2008 at 5:04 am

November 27, 2008

El Paso– We the Board of Directors of BAKE (Baking And Kicking Enchiladas) would like to announce that we immediately accepted the resignation of Michael Ackes when it was rendered.

We trust that you all reputable media outlets will use their valuable space to publish this insignificant fact.

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