El Paso, Texas- Several doctors gathered today to convey a dire warning to the public about the extreme dangers of the popular Hispanic treat of “Rosca de Reyes” Cakes after the death of 87 El Pasoan’s since the beginning of the new year. A press release noted, “listen motherfuckers, I don’t know what’s so difficult to comprehend about the dangers of BAKING A FUCKING PLASTIC BABY INTO YOUR GODDAMNED CAKE!”. The release continued, “Mr. Reyes might be making a killing with his cakes but that profit comes at the expense of dozens of El Pasoans every year; shame on him”.
Fabens, Texas- The “Influenza teen” who recently garnered limited media attention in some Fabens blogs due to his deteriorating health and inability to obtain medical attention for his Stage 6 Influenza died recently in Fabens after contracting consumption the day after playing in the snow.
El Paso- A group of 6 embarrassed El Pasoans held a press conference today to apologize to the city for misunderstanding the meaning of National Meat Out Day, which was held last Friday.
The El Paso 6 admitted to walking around all day last Friday with their “meat out” of their zippers due to them not being aware that the event was meant to raise awareness of a vegetarian lifestyle.