EPPD To Check for Unlawful Sexual Activity

El Paso– Byuoded by their soon to be successful  implementation of a city ordinance that will allow the El Paso Police Department to “play judge” and tow vehicles which they believe are uninsured, the EPPD today proposed yet another task which they have no business performing, proving yet again that they are overstaffed and don’t have enough work to do.

EPPD spokesperons announced that the in addition to checking for uninsured vehicles during unconstitutional roadblocks, they will also be checking the vaginas of all females under the age of 17 to ensure that they have not yet engaged in sexual intercourse.

The EPPD reminded reporters that it is illegal for anyone under the age of 17 to engage in sexual intercourse and that “if anyone doesn’t like it, they can go fuck themselves”.

Scabies Take Over Student Councils @ 14 YISD Schools

El Paso– A recent outbreak of scabies thoughout every single YISD school campus that surprised and shocked overpayed administrators and teachers as well as uncaring parents has managed to surprise and astound once again.

Different bands of scabies have led hostile takeovers of student councils at 14 YISD campuses and rumors of attempts of scabies taking over principals’ offices as well as school boards abound.

A spokes-scabie did tell us that the take-over of the student councils was relatively easy because the students were too busy “sexting”  to notice and that the planned takeover of principle’s offices and school boards should be just as easy because principals “are generally pretty fucking stupid” and “school boards- well shit, they appoint kids to them now so a scabie won’t make a big difference will it?”.