Pro-Perry Protesters Accidently Deported

El Paso– Running scared about his re-election prospects, Governor Perry held an election rally using El Paso’s public officials as props a press conference at the Chamizal on Monday where he called for “1000 U.S. troops to guard the border and a handjob for all willing Texas males from Texas State Comptroller Susan Combs”.

Two self-loathing Hispanics, see this NPT photograph, who speak with heavy Spanish accents and gave the names of “Rod- Rigues” and “May Sa” attended the event and looked like morons while holding placards imploring the Governor to build the fence, not realizing that the fence was pretty much built already and that it is a federal endeavor and not a state one.

As the event was winding down, the two self hating, self proclaimed “real Americans” were walking towards their vehicle when the Governor spotted them and asked a Border Patrol agent who was patrolling the area “how did those Mexicans make it past security?”. The agent  mistook them for “illegals” and deported them to Mexico.

Family members contacted by EPFN advised that they had heard little from the two after thier deportations but a brief phone call to them revealed that they were having difficulties in Juarez because they couldn’t speak “Mexican”.

El Paso Delegation Heads To Austin; Nobody Notices

Austin- The El Paso delegation of elected officials recently arrived in Austin to lobby state officials and to push the El Paso agenda, however, our sources in Austin tell us that since the delegation’s arrival up till now, nobody has really noticed.

In fact, according to our sources, the delegation has often been mistaken for a janitorial crew and has been asked to clean up “the place” on at least four different occassions.

Experts advised that the El Paso delegation not getting noticed by Austin officials is probably a good thing for El Paso because the El Paso delegation is full of “really stupid ideas”.

Real Condolences

Just a shout out to the Lionstar in his time of mouring- be strong and God Bless!

Drunk EPFN Editor Forgets Password

Cd. Juarez, Chihuhua– EPFN reporters have learned that after a lull in new reporting on El Paso’s Number One Media Outlet- El Paso Fake News,  that the editor of said outlet forgot the password to the website and was unable to log on for a few days.

Fake experts that our reporters consulted with advised that this was possibly due to the editor’s usual intoxicated state but now that the editor has written the password down and posted it on the refrigerator, he will probably only forget it a couple of times a month now and that regular reporting of news should resume soon.

City: Dogs can’t play on sports teams

EL PASO –Dogs and girls and boys will not be allowed to play for the same teams in the city’s competitive sports leagues, and the city will not advocate to change the rules that would allow coed or co-species teams throughout the state.

West-Central city Rep. Susie Byrd on Tuesday backed off from her push to allow dogs and girls to play on competitive boys teams, and the council voted 4-3 against her motion to lobby the governing bodies that rule local leagues in favor of changing their rules on coed and co-species teams.

“We have done a lot of harm to that little puppy who wanted nothing else than to play basketball with her master but was told that — just because she’s a dog — she cannot,” Byrd said. “It is my belief that when you break down a barrier, you can create many opportunities. This could have done a lot for dogs in sports. Have you not seen Air-Bud?”

Representative Ortega said he couldn’t vote in favor of a rule change that could potentially lead to children getting their heads bitten off and their entrails eaten.

Several dog whisperers and female athletes spoke to the council, all of them urging them to keep the city rules intact.

Cartel sets out to fill 11,000 jobs

El Paso–Dozens of job-seekers attended the Sinaloa Cartel employment fair Saturday in Northeast El Paso.

The event was part of A New Year, Another 1,600 Murdered,  a Sinaloa Cartel international campaign to spread the word about career options in the organization, said Rick Lopez, a Sinaloa Cartel spokesman. Open houses were held Saturday at 15 locations throughout the United States, he said.

Lopez said the agency is aiming to hire more than 11,000 agents by the end of 2009. The positions are to replace recently murdered, kidnapped and dismembered employees. Normally, the cartel does most of their hiring in Juarez however, due to the on-going war in the city, new employees are hard to find.

“Considering the way the economy is right now, this is a great opportunity,” Lopez said.