2008 To World: "Screw You!"
El Paso– Fake experts questioned by EPFN universally agreed that 2008 really sucked.
With President Bush having set the country on auto-pilot, destination: disaster, in 2004 and the economy in shambles, the country on the brink of full blown socialism and Osama bin Laden still on the loose, two wars still being fought and the Cowboys self destructing as well as the release of Kanye West’s new album, experts agreed that the year 2008 would have still been somewhat salvageable had there not been a scourge of fake news sites birthing themselves towards the end of the year to nail the coffin on what could very well be the worst year in the history of the country.
Locally, the enlightened city council attempted to give away even more tax dollars belonging to the most impoverished municipal tax payers in the country to yet another billionaire- in exchange for a new mall- that is next to another mall.
The same council also made El Paso even more unattractive to business by enacting the biggest tax increase in city history with the storm water tax. Experts agreed that noone thought it was possible to make El Paso even more business unfriendly but that this council defied everyone’s expectations and managed to do so; said one expert, “they should really be proud of themselves!”. The same experts added that council should try to challenge themselves even more in 2009 and aim for a “sunshine” tax and even a “dust tax”.
The El Paso Times urged voters to dump Obama due to his socialism while urging council to redistribute impoverished El Pasoan’s wealth to billionaires Sanders and Foster. Roy Ortega told the snarky El Paso Fake News, “I Hate You!” but when both of our fans threatened to cancel their subscriptions (thanks Mom!), recanted and said, “Sike, just kidding“.
City Council kept on increasing the cost of living by trying to enact an unneeded ban on plastic bags that could possibly help the wildlife in the Bay of El Paso and by keeping in effect the proven to be worthless pet microchip ordinance- which may have actually caused more animal deaths by keeping pets away from vets out of fear of being fined for not having a chip.
In an attempt to “out Juarez” itself, Juarez proved able to astound the most hardened cynics by turning into Iraq with a full blown drug war, decapitations, mass murders, burned out businesses and camels.
Socorro ISD voters booted out a superintendent that raised tax scores because “she was rude” while a recently elected board member resigned a day after being sworn in because he “was busy”. The board appointed a 10 year old to replace him arguing that she “was just as intelligent, if not more so”.
UTEP football continued to suck and the Diablos and Rhinos continued to be invisible to most of our populace leading many to wonder, “just how the hell do they stay in existence?” while others believe that they exist only on their websites. For reasons yet unknown to most of humanity, another Arena Football team, The Generals, came into existence and think they can survive… in El Paso no less!
County employees worked a total of 15 days this year while our favorite corrupt politician, County Judge Cobos, disappointed us yet again when he failed to be nominated to a cabinet position in the Obama administration. City council banned rude behavior towards the disabled on city busses while our State Senator, Elliot Shapleigh, introduced a bill that would ban trans-fats and “all manners of dangerous activities” that included playing video games, football, fatty foods, unprotected sex, mountain biking and a plethora of others.
Experts agreed that while seemingly impossible, 2009 could prove to suck even more ass than 2008 with the current batch of elected officials- if they keep on being themselves.
