El Paso Politicos’ New Year’s Resolutions

El Paso– EPFN questioned some of El Paso’s elected officials about their new years resolutions, below is a sampling of some of their responses:

• Eddie Holguin: Eddie told us he plans to hire a full time caretaker for his moustache so that he can focus on spending every single moment that he’s not in a city council meeting walking door to door asking every one of his constituents how they want him to vote.

• Beto O’Rourke: Buoyed by Joe Muench’s ridiculous assertion that this Republican has a chance of becoming El Paso’s next U.S. Representative, Beto told us that he is thinking of changing his last name to “de la O ‘Rourke” so as to improve his chances of unseating Rep. Reyes.

• Beautiful Melina Castro: Frightend by the El Paso Times’ end of year discovery that there was a drug war being fought in Juarez, Melina tells us that she is planning on leaving Juarez and moving to El Paso next year. Melina added that anywhere in El Paso would be suitable however, she prefers “anywhere but the North East, God that place is scary…almost as scary as Juarez!”.

• Steve Ortega: “My bags are packed and I’m ready for some good ol’ carpet bagging…I’m just waiting for Veronica to become judge so that I can move into her district and I can run for her seat. City council pay just isn’t cutting it plus my mom threatened to stop paying my rent if I don’t do more to help out”.

• Rachel Quinta: “Just to stay out of jail, man”.

• Susie Byrd: “I’m going to try to get city sports leagues to accept dogs; it’s an injustice that dogs can’t play along side our children. I’ve been reviewing old tapes of Air Bud and my research tells me that dogs are indeed capable of playing at the same level as most kids…as well as biting off their heads”.

• Ann Morgan Lilly: “I plan to continue to impersonate a corpse on city council”.

• Eliot Shapleigh: “I’m going to ban a whole lotta shit…. A  LOTTA SHIT!”.

• Anthony Cobos: “I’m looked at a position in the U.N., possibly Secretary General since the fuckers at the Times, NPT and David K ruined my chances with the Obama administration”.

• Norma Chavez: “I’m just gonna skip this legislative session all together and ride my motorcycle, cuz you know I ride a motorcycle, to Washington to start working on Obama’s 2012 re-election campaign”.

• Willie Gandara: “I’m going to give even more of my salary to the poor and then if I have time, possibly cure cancer…welcome to Willy land!”.

• Anna Perez: “Although it seems impossible from my new position, I’m going to try to get even more El Paso officials arrested for contempt of court like I almost did to Gilbert Sanchez. The local media won’t cover this either so I’m not worried”.

• Ed Archuletta: “I’m going to continue to eat babies after I yank out their hearts with my bare hands..oh yea, and puppies too”.

• Mayor Cook: “look for a job”.

Experts To 2008: “You Sucked!”

2008 To World: "Screw You!"

El Paso– Fake experts questioned by EPFN universally agreed that 2008 really sucked.

With President Bush having set the country on auto-pilot, destination: disaster, in 2004 and the economy in shambles, the country on the brink of full blown socialism and Osama bin Laden still on the loose, two wars still being fought and the Cowboys self destructing as well as the release of Kanye West’s new album, experts agreed that the year 2008 would have still been somewhat salvageable had there not been a scourge of fake news sites birthing themselves towards the end of the year to nail the coffin on what could very well be the worst year in the history of the country.

Locally, the enlightened city council attempted to give away even more tax dollars belonging to the most impoverished municipal tax payers in the country to yet another billionaire- in exchange for a new mall- that is next to another mall.

The same council also made El Paso even more unattractive to business by enacting the biggest tax increase in city history with the storm water tax.  Experts agreed that noone thought it was possible to make El Paso even more business unfriendly but that this council defied everyone’s expectations and managed to do so; said one expert, “they should really be proud of themselves!”.  The same experts added that council should try to challenge themselves even more in 2009 and aim for a “sunshine” tax and even a “dust tax”.

The El Paso Times urged voters to dump Obama due to his socialism while urging council to redistribute impoverished El Pasoan’s wealth to billionaires Sanders and Foster. Roy Ortega told the snarky El Paso Fake News, “I Hate You!” but when both of our fans threatened to cancel their subscriptions (thanks Mom!), recanted and said, “Sike, just kidding“.

City Council kept on increasing the cost of living by trying to enact an unneeded ban on plastic bags that could possibly help the wildlife in the Bay of El Paso and by keeping in effect the proven to be worthless pet microchip ordinance- which may have actually caused more animal deaths by keeping pets away from vets out of fear of being fined for not having a chip.

In an attempt to “out Juarez” itself, Juarez  proved able to astound the most hardened cynics by turning into Iraq with a full blown drug war, decapitations, mass murders, burned out businesses and camels.

Socorro ISD voters booted out a superintendent that raised tax scores because “she was rude” while a recently elected board member resigned a day after being sworn in because he “was busy”. The board appointed a 10 year old to replace him arguing that she “was just as intelligent, if not more so”.

UTEP football continued to suck and the Diablos and Rhinos continued to be invisible to most of our populace leading many to wonder, “just how the hell do they stay in existence?” while others believe that they exist only on their websites. For reasons yet unknown to most of humanity, another Arena Football team, The Generals, came into existence and think they can survive… in El Paso no less!

County employees worked a total of 15 days this year while our favorite corrupt politician, County Judge Cobos, disappointed us yet again when he failed to be nominated to a cabinet position in the Obama administration. City council banned rude behavior towards the disabled on city busses while our State Senator, Elliot Shapleigh, introduced a bill that would ban trans-fats and “all manners of dangerous activities” that included playing video games, football, fatty foods, unprotected sex, mountain biking and a plethora of others.

Experts agreed that while seemingly impossible, 2009 could prove to suck even more ass than 2008 with the current batch of elected officials- if they keep on being themselves.