BREAKING NEWS…..COMING SOON…APPOLOGY TO ANIMAL KINGDOM, 3RD GRADERS & CITY HALL FORTHCOMING… EL PASO’S ACTUALLY FUNNY FAKE NEWS TO RESTART PUBLISHING AS WELL (PROBABLY)….
Stories that may be covered soon:
El Paso– Byuoded by their soon to be successful implementation of a city ordinance that will allow the El Paso Police Department to “play judge” and tow vehicles which they believe are uninsured, the EPPD today proposed yet another task which they have no business performing, proving yet again that they are overstaffed and don’t have enough work to do.
EPPD spokesperons announced that the in addition to checking for uninsured vehicles during unconstitutional roadblocks, they will also be checking the vaginas of all females under the age of 17 to ensure that they have not yet engaged in sexual intercourse.
The EPPD reminded reporters that it is illegal for anyone under the age of 17 to engage in sexual intercourse and that “if anyone doesn’t like it, they can go fuck themselves”.
El Paso– A recent outbreak of scabies thoughout every single YISD school campus that surprised and shocked overpayed administrators and teachers as well as uncaring parents has managed to surprise and astound once again.
Different bands of scabies have led hostile takeovers of student councils at 14 YISD campuses and rumors of attempts of scabies taking over principals’ offices as well as school boards abound.
A spokes-scabie did tell us that the take-over of the student councils was relatively easy because the students were too busy “sexting” to notice and that the planned takeover of principle’s offices and school boards should be just as easy because principals “are generally pretty fucking stupid” and “school boards- well shit, they appoint kids to them now so a scabie won’t make a big difference will it?”.
El Paso– Running scared about his re-election prospects, Governor Perry held an election rally using El Paso’s public officials as props a press conference at the Chamizal on Monday where he called for “1000 U.S. troops to guard the border and a handjob for all willing Texas males from Texas State Comptroller Susan Combs”.
Two self-loathing Hispanics, see this NPT photograph, who speak with heavy Spanish accents and gave the names of “Rod- Rigues” and “May Sa” attended the event and looked like morons while holding placards imploring the Governor to build the fence, not realizing that the fence was pretty much built already and that it is a federal endeavor and not a state one.
As the event was winding down, the two self hating, self proclaimed “real Americans” were walking towards their vehicle when the Governor spotted them and asked a Border Patrol agent who was patrolling the area “how did those Mexicans make it past security?”. The agent mistook them for “illegals” and deported them to Mexico.
Family members contacted by EPFN advised that they had heard little from the two after thier deportations but a brief phone call to them revealed that they were having difficulties in Juarez because they couldn’t speak “Mexican”.
Austin- The El Paso delegation of elected officials recently arrived in Austin to lobby state officials and to push the El Paso agenda, however, our sources in Austin tell us that since the delegation’s arrival up till now, nobody has really noticed.
In fact, according to our sources, the delegation has often been mistaken for a janitorial crew and has been asked to clean up “the place” on at least four different occassions.
Experts advised that the El Paso delegation not getting noticed by Austin officials is probably a good thing for El Paso because the El Paso delegation is full of “really stupid ideas”.
Just a shout out to the Lionstar in his time of mouring- be strong and God Bless!
Cd. Juarez, Chihuhua– EPFN reporters have learned that after a lull in new reporting on El Paso’s Number One Media Outlet- El Paso Fake News, that the editor of said outlet forgot the password to the website and was unable to log on for a few days.
Fake experts that our reporters consulted with advised that this was possibly due to the editor’s usual intoxicated state but now that the editor has written the password down and posted it on the refrigerator, he will probably only forget it a couple of times a month now and that regular reporting of news should resume soon.
EL PASO –Dogs and girls and boys will not be allowed to play for the same teams in the city’s competitive sports leagues, and the city will not advocate to change the rules that would allow coed or co-species teams throughout the state.
West-Central city Rep. Susie Byrd on Tuesday backed off from her push to allow dogs and girls to play on competitive boys teams, and the council voted 4-3 against her motion to lobby the governing bodies that rule local leagues in favor of changing their rules on coed and co-species teams.
“We have done a lot of harm to that little puppy who wanted nothing else than to play basketball with her master but was told that — just because she’s a dog — she cannot,” Byrd said. “It is my belief that when you break down a barrier, you can create many opportunities. This could have done a lot for dogs in sports. Have you not seen Air-Bud?”
Representative Ortega said he couldn’t vote in favor of a rule change that could potentially lead to children getting their heads bitten off and their entrails eaten.
Several dog whisperers and female athletes spoke to the council, all of them urging them to keep the city rules intact.
El Paso–Dozens of job-seekers attended the Sinaloa Cartel employment fair Saturday in Northeast El Paso.
The event was part of A New Year, Another 1,600 Murdered, a Sinaloa Cartel international campaign to spread the word about career options in the organization, said Rick Lopez, a Sinaloa Cartel spokesman. Open houses were held Saturday at 15 locations throughout the United States, he said.
Lopez said the agency is aiming to hire more than 11,000 agents by the end of 2009. The positions are to replace recently murdered, kidnapped and dismembered employees. Normally, the cartel does most of their hiring in Juarez however, due to the on-going war in the city, new employees are hard to find.
“Considering the way the economy is right now, this is a great opportunity,” Lopez said.
El Paso– Hoodlums, gang bangers, winos, sex offenders, prostitutes, Ramos and Compean, and a plethora of other criminals, lowlifes, and scumbags who control the Magoffin area in which the proposed Magoffin Project will be built were abuzz with excitement this morning after watching today’s city council meeting via the free wi-fi that local taxpayers provide for the downtown area and learning that Council had approved the building of the upscale Magoffin Apartments Project.
The derelicts explained to our reporters that they were a bit bored in the area since they had already brought down the property values as much as they could be brought down but that the prospect of yuppies paying upwards of $800 a month to live next to “us HUD people” in the new apartments presented a great opportunity to bring down the property values once again.
Said one scumbag, “shit, I wouldn’t want to live near us, why some stupid yuppy would want to pay $800 to be my neighbor is beyond comprehension…especially when the same apartment can be had for at least 30% less in any other part of town; it really is incomprehensible”.
Various vagrants and lowlifes expressed excitement at the prospect of “really fucking this up” and could hardly wait to “start the raping, robbing, and pillaging”.
Juarez, Mx.– The Sinaloa Cartel’s Office of Press Relations, Juarez Region, released a statement late Wednesday afternoon announcing an agreement with the El Paso Chamber of Commerce that will save the star on El Paso’s Franklin Mountain.
The Sinaloa Cartel intends to take over control of the star and “maintain the star aesthetics, however every now on then, the star will blink on and off in rapid succession to help guide our blacked out aircraft carrying illicit cargo, find their unauthorized landing strips in El Paso”.
Sinaloa cartel officials, who were in El Paso on Wednesday lobbying for the continuation of the drug war, added that they intend to give back to the community and to buy all the goodwill necessary that will allow them to do as they please with this community as “all it takes apparently, is $50m, US”.
El Paso– The Public Service Board responded late Sunday night to recent and well founded criticisms that they are out of control, that their employees are ridiculously over paid, that there is a lack of oversight, are generally well rounded assholes and that they should cease to exist by releasing the below press release that was signed by CEO Ed Archuletta:
Dear Esteemed El Pasoans:
Recently the Public Service Board has been criticized for a multitude of reasons. Please rest assured that all of these accusations are true.
However, we have nothing to fear since we are almost untouchable so we have this message for our critics and all El Pasoans- FUCK YOU!
Sincerely,
Ed Archuleta, CEO (yea, I laugh too every time I see that)
El Paso– Two of our writers, who moonlight at Walmart due to the unlawfully low wages paid to them by EPFN, told us this morning that a mini-riot was narrowly averted last night at Walmart due to a shopping cart of groceries that City Rep. Eddie Holguin walked away from and left at the checkout counter.
According to our writers, Rep. Holguin approached the only counter open at Walmart, since the policy at said store is to open one counter per 500,000 people at the store at any given time, with a shopping cart full of groceries and other basic necessities. Mr. Holguin was overheard telling his wife, “these groceries and other non-food items that we selected were very wise choices; we will be better off for these wise decisions”; Mrs. Holguin concurred with his assessment.
As Rep. Holguin was about to reach the checkout counter, a man who was described as looking “like that cowardly congressman Reyes” passed by Rep. Holguin’s shopping cart and said to noone in particular, “those groceries are not a wise choice… maybe you should wait”.
Rep. Holguin is then reported to have simply abandoned his grocery cart and walked out of the store empty handed.
Upset customers who were behind Mr. Holguin immediately became angry due to feeling trapped as they were surrounded by an empty shopping cart in the front and dirty diapers and recently sucked-on and discarded chicken bones that are common place at Walmart.
Other members of City Council are rumored to have done the same in the previous couple of days.
El Paso– A spokesman for the Free Ramos & Compean & Ramos Campaign announced today that the soon to be released from their very much deserved prison sentence, Ramos (the first one) and Compean had applied and been hired as constables in former constable Alex Gamoboa’s district #6.
The spokesman said that the pair had responded to a deputy constable job posting on Cragislist for Prisoners that solicited, “Corrupt former law enforcement officers, capable of shooting unarmed people in the back and lying about it and covering it up”.
The opening of the position came as a result of the former deputy constable being in jail due to rape charges as well as charges stemming from shooting an unarmed person in the back and lying about it.
On a related note, former deputy constable Ramos, who is currently incarcerated for the aforementioned charges, was overheard dictating a letter to his “celly” that was intended for the former President; the letter read in part, “what about me, fool?”.
Which El Paso Internet Web sites are the most-viewed? Take a look: Here are the latest rankings from Compete.com:
Rank Site People
1. elpasofakenews 8,894,432
2. elpasotimes.com 199,331
3. kfoxtv.com 34,375
4. kdbc.com 10,700
5. newspapertree.com 10,472
6. ktsm.com 8,599
7. kprr.com 5,071
8. klaq.com 3,814
9. khey.com 3,043
10. ksii.com 2,740
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NOTE: EPFN also owns El Paso Fake Numbers, the producers of the above chart and of Sun Bowl Parade attendee tallies and of all numbers used by city council and Eliot Shapligh.
Heaven– God released a press release Monday morning calling on all believers and non-believers who pray “just in case” to try to get all of their prayer requests in before the end of this week because he will be busy listening to and granting prayers during the superbowl. He will also be busy listening to “thank yous” after touchdowns and therefore, will not have time to grant superfluous prayers such as feeding the destitute and keeping people alive during this period.
Prayer request protocal will resume normal operating procedures on February 2, 2009.
El Paso– A new vigilante group has sprung up in El Paso after another vigilante group in Juarez announced its formation early last week.
The Juarez group announced that it would kill one criminal per day and that they had formed in response to the drug war being waged in their city. The El Paso vigilante group said that their goal is to kill a good idea per week.
The El Paso group announced that they were surprised and encouraged at the outpouring of support for their mission of killing good ideas by the backlash created by last week’s call for intelligent debate regarding the legalization of drugs by city council.
The El Paso vigilante group, which calls itself, The El Paso Vigilante Group, is seeking good ideas to kill and is requesting submissions by unintelligent and/or close-minded El Pasoans; submissions should be sent to WeChooseToKeepOurHeadsInTheSand@yahoo.com.
The group also announced that until last week, they would never had dreamed of finding a good idea coming from any of our elected officials but that they would have to start paying attention after “Beto’s dastardly deed”.
EPFN Editorial
We applaud Mayor Cook for his courageous stance on Tuesday against the evil scourge of intelligent discussion.
We stand in solidarity with the Bush administration and Mayor Cook as well as the vast majority of the citizens of this city in taking a firm stance against this plague of intelligence.
We stand in solidarity against revision of obviously flawed and continously failing polices.
We stand in solidarity with the Mayor and Rep. Reyes against government that actually works.
We stand in solidarity with Robert Almonte, the President of the Texas Narcotic Officers Association, who pleasantly shocked us when he announced that he too, was against the legalization of drugs. Almonte told us later on that he was also against intelligence and against discussions or “any combination thereof”. Almonte continued, “the drug war is my/our meal ticket, why would I be against that? I might have to go out and get a real job”.
We don’t need, nor do we want logical ideas in our society. This is why we call on the quickly sinking El Paso Times, to never again allow pieces such as the very logical, Legalized drugs only way to halt cartels, to see the light of day again. Shame on you too, NPT for your different pieces on the issue!
Neither intelligence nor discussions should be allowed to rear their ugly heads in this community.
Shame on you city council; Bravo Mayor Cook!
El Paso– EPFN has obtained a secret “Border Plan” which the Department of Homeland Security has devised in case Mexico’s vicous drug war ever spills into El Paso.
The plan, which is titled, “The Plan”, is based on President Bush’s homeland security philosophy and Iraq War strategies and calls for the invasion of Canada if Mexican drug lords attack the U.S. through Mexico.
We will bring you more details as they become available.
From El Paso Fake News, January 7, 1860:
Mayor Cook Vetoes Resolution Asking For Debate on Slavery
Township of El Paso– The banjo playing mayor, Joseph Cook on Tuesday vetoed a unanimously supported resolution from City Council asking the federal government to seriously study the abolishment of slavery as a way to respond to the moral plague that is slavery.
“It is not realistic to believe that the U.S. Congress will seriously consider any broad-based debate on the abolishment of slavery,” Cook said. “That position is not consistent with the community standards both locally and nationally.”
Cook’s veto angered several on council, including some of his closest political allies.
Other Related Mayor News
Mayor Joseph Cook told us that he we recently visited a local psychic by the name of McFraud, and was told by said psychic that sometime in the distant future, one of his kin would become mayor of this dusty township.
The same psychic also told the mayor that the future mayor Cook would be defeated in a re- election bid due in large part to a “storm water” fiasco as well as numerous other “disasterous policies” the future mayor will champion.
Mayor Cook added that he believed McFraud’s predictions to be, “completely absurd…what kind of jerk would even think of taxing storm water?”.
El Paso– In what has become a yearly tradition, local pyschic David McFraud held a press conference on Sunday morning during which he released his complete 2008 predictions as well as his 2009 pre-predictions.
McFraud, who is also a local radio celebrity, opened a sealed mayonaise jar and pulled out his 2008 predictions which he said he wrote on December 31, 2007. McFraud said that the sealed jar had remained unopened since last new year’s eve and in his care through out the year to ensure that nobody tampered with it.
The 2008 predictions, which were written on the back of an Obama/ Biden 08 campaign flyer included the following:
A gullible El Pasoan who attended the press conference said, “It’s totally amazing…it’s almost like he sat down a couple of minutes before this press conference and googled “2008 in review”, and then wrote these predictions down! He is amazing! I can’t wait to fork over what precious little money I have so that he can give me a reading…my kids can eat next week”.
McFraud’s entire list of 2009 pre-predictions are listed below; McFraud encouraged his followers to attend next year’s press conference to hear the complete list of 2009 predictions.
2009 Pre-Predictions:
EPFN Secret Lair– Below is a list of possible stories that have been submitted by our inept reporters that we may feature next week:
El Paso– EPFN questioned some of El Paso’s elected officials about their new years resolutions, below is a sampling of some of their responses:
2008 To World: "Screw You!"
El Paso– Fake experts questioned by EPFN universally agreed that 2008 really sucked.
With President Bush having set the country on auto-pilot, destination: disaster, in 2004 and the economy in shambles, the country on the brink of full blown socialism and Osama bin Laden still on the loose, two wars still being fought and the Cowboys self destructing as well as the release of Kanye West’s new album, experts agreed that the year 2008 would have still been somewhat salvageable had there not been a scourge of fake news sites birthing themselves towards the end of the year to nail the coffin on what could very well be the worst year in the history of the country.
Locally, the enlightened city council attempted to give away even more tax dollars belonging to the most impoverished municipal tax payers in the country to yet another billionaire- in exchange for a new mall- that is next to another mall.
The same council also made El Paso even more unattractive to business by enacting the biggest tax increase in city history with the storm water tax. Experts agreed that noone thought it was possible to make El Paso even more business unfriendly but that this council defied everyone’s expectations and managed to do so; said one expert, “they should really be proud of themselves!”. The same experts added that council should try to challenge themselves even more in 2009 and aim for a “sunshine” tax and even a “dust tax”.
The El Paso Times urged voters to dump Obama due to his socialism while urging council to redistribute impoverished El Pasoan’s wealth to billionaires Sanders and Foster. Roy Ortega told the snarky El Paso Fake News, “I Hate You!” but when both of our fans threatened to cancel their subscriptions (thanks Mom!), recanted and said, “Sike, just kidding“.
City Council kept on increasing the cost of living by trying to enact an unneeded ban on plastic bags that could possibly help the wildlife in the Bay of El Paso and by keeping in effect the proven to be worthless pet microchip ordinance- which may have actually caused more animal deaths by keeping pets away from vets out of fear of being fined for not having a chip.
In an attempt to “out Juarez” itself, Juarez proved able to astound the most hardened cynics by turning into Iraq with a full blown drug war, decapitations, mass murders, burned out businesses and camels.
Socorro ISD voters booted out a superintendent that raised tax scores because “she was rude” while a recently elected board member resigned a day after being sworn in because he “was busy”. The board appointed a 10 year old to replace him arguing that she “was just as intelligent, if not more so”.
UTEP football continued to suck and the Diablos and Rhinos continued to be invisible to most of our populace leading many to wonder, “just how the hell do they stay in existence?” while others believe that they exist only on their websites. For reasons yet unknown to most of humanity, another Arena Football team, The Generals, came into existence and think they can survive… in El Paso no less!
County employees worked a total of 15 days this year while our favorite corrupt politician, County Judge Cobos, disappointed us yet again when he failed to be nominated to a cabinet position in the Obama administration. City council banned rude behavior towards the disabled on city busses while our State Senator, Elliot Shapleigh, introduced a bill that would ban trans-fats and “all manners of dangerous activities” that included playing video games, football, fatty foods, unprotected sex, mountain biking and a plethora of others.
Experts agreed that while seemingly impossible, 2009 could prove to suck even more ass than 2008 with the current batch of elected officials- if they keep on being themselves.
 | POPOHATER on Cartel sets out to fill 11,000… |
| POPOHATER on New Addition To “Free Ra… |
| POPOHATER on EPPD To Check for Unlawful Sex… |
| POPOHATER on Ramos & Compean To Become… |
| POPOHATER on EPPD To Check for Unlawful Sex… |
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