EPPD To Check for Unlawful Sexual Activity

El Paso– Byuoded by their soon to be successful  implementation of a city ordinance that will allow the El Paso Police Department to “play judge” and tow vehicles which they believe are uninsured, the EPPD today proposed yet another task which they have no business performing, proving yet again that they are overstaffed and don’t have enough work to do.

EPPD spokesperons announced that the in addition to checking for uninsured vehicles during unconstitutional roadblocks, they will also be checking the vaginas of all females under the age of 17 to ensure that they have not yet engaged in sexual intercourse.

The EPPD reminded reporters that it is illegal for anyone under the age of 17 to engage in sexual intercourse and that “if anyone doesn’t like it, they can go fuck themselves”.

Scabies Take Over Student Councils @ 14 YISD Schools

El Paso– A recent outbreak of scabies thoughout every single YISD school campus that surprised and shocked overpayed administrators and teachers as well as uncaring parents has managed to surprise and astound once again.

Different bands of scabies have led hostile takeovers of student councils at 14 YISD campuses and rumors of attempts of scabies taking over principals’ offices as well as school boards abound.

A spokes-scabie did tell us that the take-over of the student councils was relatively easy because the students were too busy “sexting”  to notice and that the planned takeover of principle’s offices and school boards should be just as easy because principals “are generally pretty fucking stupid” and “school boards- well shit, they appoint kids to them now so a scabie won’t make a big difference will it?”.

Pro-Perry Protesters Accidently Deported

El Paso– Running scared about his re-election prospects, Governor Perry held an election rally using El Paso’s public officials as props a press conference at the Chamizal on Monday where he called for “1000 U.S. troops to guard the border and a handjob for all willing Texas males from Texas State Comptroller Susan Combs”.

Two self-loathing Hispanics, see this NPT photograph, who speak with heavy Spanish accents and gave the names of “Rod- Rigues” and “May Sa” attended the event and looked like morons while holding placards imploring the Governor to build the fence, not realizing that the fence was pretty much built already and that it is a federal endeavor and not a state one.

As the event was winding down, the two self hating, self proclaimed “real Americans” were walking towards their vehicle when the Governor spotted them and asked a Border Patrol agent who was patrolling the area “how did those Mexicans make it past security?”. The agent  mistook them for “illegals” and deported them to Mexico.

Family members contacted by EPFN advised that they had heard little from the two after thier deportations but a brief phone call to them revealed that they were having difficulties in Juarez because they couldn’t speak “Mexican”.